BDSM for Beginners: The Complete Roadmap

Introduction

When you’re new to BDSM (bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism), the amount of information available can be overwhelming and confusing. You might find yourself wondering if BDSM is really for you (we did!), if you can call yourself kinky if you’re not into all the letters in the abbreviation (yes!), or if you’re an imposter if you’re not interested in being someone’s full-time, live-in master or slave (you’re not!).

Welcome to Bound Together’s complete guide to BDSM for beginners. What follows is a practical roadmap for people who want to explore BDSM in the bedroom without adopting what’s known as a 24/7 lifestyle. We’ll cover all the basics:

• Section 1: Understanding BDSM 
• Section 2: Getting Started with BDSM
• Section 3: Beginner-Friendly BDSM Scenes
• Section 4: Growing Your BDSM Knowledge

If you’re interested in extending BDSM beyond the bedroom into a full-time dynamic, you may still find some useful tips here, but you’ll want to look elsewhere for guidance on practicing BDSM all day every day.

Before we dive in, a little about us. We’re a monogamous, middle-aged straight couple who discovered BDSM relatively late in life but have practiced it for about 25 years between the two of us (together and with others). For us, a 24/7 BDSM lifestyle has never made sense and isn’t something we aspire to, which is hardly unusual among BDSM practitioners—but is unusual in the world of BDSM blogs and online resources. We started Bound Together to speak to this silent majority of bedroom-only kinksters.

Our perspective on BDSM is also informed by our feminist beliefs. Although we’re a male dominant and a female submissive, we do not subscribe to any so-called “natural order” gender roles and are completely egalitarian outside the bedroom.

Like many kinky people, we’re also fairly nerdy and take a research-driven approach to a lot of topics we cover. Whenever possible, we like to back up what we say with data rather than relying solely on personal experience. 

Now that you know who we are and what to expect from this guide, let’s get started!

Section 1: Understanding BDSM 

Why People Enjoy BDSM

Interest in BDSM is far more common than you might think. Estimates vary, but some studies show that up to a third of adults have experimented with it at some point. And around 70 percent have fantasized about BDSM even if they’ve never acted on it. So, rest assured—your kinky desires are not unusual!

There’s no consensus on whether kinky people are born that way or are drawn to it via external factors. There are a number of physical and psychological reasons people enjoy BDSM:

• Some BDSM activities, such as those involving pain, can trigger the release of endorphins and endocannabinoids in the brain, especially in submissive players. These neurochemicals are associated with pleasure, stress relief, and even euphoria similar to a so-called “runner’s high.”
• Playing with power dynamics—dominance and submission—allows people to give up or take control in a safe environment that can feel freeing and empowering and offers an escape from reality.  
• The intense communication, negotiation, and aftercare required in BDSM foster deep trust and emotional intimacy between partners.

Overcoming Guilt and Shame

While BDSM has become much more mainstream in recent years, this doesn’t necessarily mitigate feelings of guilt or shame that might arise as you delve into the world of kink. There are a few common reasons for this:

• Social Stigma and Negative Framing: Despite the fact that BDSM is depicted more often in media than it used to be, it’s still frequently portrayed as deviant or abnormal. This can make people feel reluctant to share their interests even with close partners or friends for fear of being judged or rejected. 
• Cultural and Religious Influences: Many cultures and religions promote strict norms about what’s considered acceptable sexual behavior, often labeling sexual interests outside those parameters as immoral or sinful. People raised in these environments may internalize these beliefs, feeling guilt when their desires fall outside these boundaries.
• BDSM and Feminism: Some feminists see BDSM as inherently problematic and others view it as a legitimate, empowering choice. This friction can cause significant internal conflict for kinksters who identify as feminists. They may struggle to reconcile their personal desires with the fear of betraying feminist ideals or being judged by others in feminist communities.

Overcoming feelings of guilt and shame related to BDSM probably isn’t going to happen overnight, but keeping a few things in mind may help:

• Understand the Source: Recognize that much of the shame comes from societal myths and negative framing about sexuality and kink, not from your own intrinsic worth or morality. Gently challenge the messages you’ve absorbed from your upbringing or surroundings. Ask yourself what you believe now as opposed to what you were taught. Naming and unpacking these influences can reduce their power over you.
• Connect with Like-Minded People: Seek out friends, partners, or communities (online or in person) who accept and understand your interests. Seeing others live happily and openly with similar desires can help normalize your experience and reduce isolation.
• Educate Yourself: Learning about the distinction between BDSM and abuse and what constitutes consensual, ethical, and healthy BDSM can help you reframe your interests as valid and positive, rather than deviant. 
• Embrace Playing with Taboos: It’s also important to remember that kink is largely about playing with taboos—that’s part of what makes it hot! It can be a fun departure from reality, for example, to play a submissive slut in the bedroom when you’re a high-powered decision-maker in real life. Doing so doesn’t mean you believe you should be subservient to your partner all the time.

Self-Reflection: Finding Your BDSM Interests

There are myriad labels and roles in BDSM that you can choose to identify with—too many to explain in detail here. The three most common are dominant, submissive, and switch. You’ve likely encountered these terms already, but we’ll explain each of them since they’ll come up repeatedly in this guide.

• Dominant: A dominant (or dom) is a person who prefers to be in control during a BDSM scene. They lead, direct, and care for the submissive partner. This can involve setting rules, giving instructions, or enacting various consensual power exchange activities. Some doms are sadists, meaning they enjoy inflicting (consensual) pain on others, but this is certainly not the case for all doms. For the purposes of this post, we’re using the words dom and top as synonyms.
• Submissive: A submissive (or sub) is a person who willingly gives up some or all control to a dominant partner in a BDSM context. Submissives derive pleasure from being led, receiving instructions, or serving and pleasing their dominant. This may involve obeying commands, engaging in acts of restraint, or fulfilling particular roles. Some subs are masochists, meaning they derive pleasure from pain, but not all are. For this post, we’re using the words sub and bottom as synonyms.
• Switch: A switch is someone who enjoys or is willing to take on both dominant and submissive roles in BDSM, sometimes within the same scene or relationship, and sometimes with different partners.

When you’re a BDSM beginner, you might have an intrinsic understanding of where you fall on the kinky spectrum—dominant vs. submissive vs. somewhere in between, masochistic or sadistic, and so on—or you might not. 

Vagabond initially thought he was a switch (interested in dominating and submitting) before realizing he’s a dominant with a curious masochistic streak. Mimsy, on the other hand, knew right away she was submissive and was primarily interested in the psychological aspects of D/s (dominance and submission). 

The beauty of BDSM is that there’s no one way to do it, and there’s no single way to identify—you can explore different roles, labels, and dynamics without needing to follow a strict set of identity guidelines. Many kinksters find that their roles and preferences are fluid and can change over time.

So, how do you figure out what you’re into if you don’t already know? This is where a lot of educators will tell you to fill out lengthy BDSM checklists to rank your interest in numerous kinks. If this sounds appealing, great! But if you look at a checklist like this and immediately feel overwhelmed, don’t worry. There are other ways to narrow your interests. You can ask yourself these basic questions as a starting point:

• Do I prefer to take control, give up control, or switch between roles during sex?
• Am I interested in physical sensations like spanking, bondage, or sensory play (heat, cold, sharp, soft sensations)? Which activities sound exciting or off-putting to me?
• Do I find the idea of giving or receiving pain arousing, or am I more interested in psychological aspects like power exchange?

Your answers to these questions may help you decide which beginner BDSM pathways discussed in Section 3 below appeal to you.

Myths vs. Reality: What “Counts” as BDSM 

If your primary exposure to BDSM has been through the internet or Hollywood movies, you might be under the impression that most BDSM practitioners are signing contracts to formalize their dynamic or living the lifestyle 24/7. Rest assured, this is not the case. The vast majority of kinksters engage in BDSM in the bedroom and leave it at that. You don’t need to continually “advance” to more complex and intense dynamics. Bedroom-only BDSM is a completely valid expression of kink. 

In the beginning, it can be tempting to blur the line between fantasy and reality. But fulfilling your or someone else’s ultimate BDSM dream of being a live-in sex slave or running every aspect of someone’s life is often unrealistic. Most people have jobs, families, school, or other time-consuming responsibilities that make full immersion into BDSM impossible. 

You might also think that to be a true kinkster, you need to go to dungeons, play parties, and other BDSM events. In reality, a relatively small subset of kinksters engage in the public BDSM “scene.” While attending kinky events can certainly be fun and educational (we’ve been to many!), it’s not a requirement for practicing BDSM. And depending on where you live, finding them might be a challenge.

Key Takeaways

• Interest in BDSM is common. Up to a third of adults have experimented with BDSM, and around 70 percent have fantasized about it. Your interest in kink is more mainstream than you might think.
• Shame and guilt are common but manageable. Understanding the sources of these feelings, connecting with like-minded people, and educating yourself about ethical BDSM can help overcome negative emotions about your desires.
• Your BDSM interests may evolve. It’s perfectly normal to start in one role (dominant, submissive, or switch) and find your interests shifting as you gain experience.
• Bedroom-only BDSM is valid. Most kinksters practice BDSM only in the bedroom rather than as a 24/7 lifestyle. There’s no need to “level up” to more intense dynamics unless you genuinely want to.
• There’s no “right way” to do BDSM. Your BDSM practice should reflect your unique interest and boundaries, not conform to someone else’s definition of what counts as “real” kink.

Section 2: Getting Started with BDSM

Three Pillars of BDSM

Before you start learning how to tie fancy knots or flog someone, it’s important to understand three foundational elements of safe and ethical BDSM: consent, communication, and negotiation. We’ll break these down one by one:

• Consent is universally described as the cornerstone of BDSM, ensuring that all activities are mutually agreed upon and that boundaries are respected at all times. Consent is what prevents BDSM from being abuse.
• Communication is essential for expressing desires, boundaries, and expectations and for checking in before, during, and after scenes.
• Negotiation involves detailed discussions about what will and won’t happen, limits, and aftercare needs before any activity begins. Unlike in business or bargaining, negotiation in BDSM is not about one person trying to “win” or get more than the other. Instead, it’s a collaborative process where everyone is on equal footing, working together to create a mutually satisfying and safe experience.

These three elements are closely connected and come into play before, during, and after BDSM scenes, as we explain below.

Before a Scene

The amount of communication that’s not only accepted but expected in BDSM may be surprising—or even off-putting—to people who are used to simply making educated guesses about what their partner wants in bed. But detailed and frequent communication is essential in BDSM for safety and enjoyment. Let’s consider a concrete example. 

• BDSM with Communication: Before engaging in a BDSM scene, a couple might have an in-depth conversation—known as negotiation—that covers everything from physical limits (such as “no marks” or “avoid my lower back”) to emotional boundaries (“don’t call me names, even in roleplay”) to safewords and aftercare preferences. They might even talk through a specific script or set of actions ahead of time. For someone new to BDSM, this level of planning might seem clinical or overly formal—but within the community, it’s a normal way to ensure both partners feel safe, empowered, and free to explore.

• BDSM without Communication: Now, imagine the opposite scenario: Two people agree to try something “a little rougher” in bed without really defining what that means. One person assumes it’s OK to slap and choke the other because they’ve seen it in porn. But the other person is caught off guard—they hate anything around their neck and think face slapping is degrading. Because they didn’t talk about limits, safewords, or aftercare, the experience leaves one partner feeling violated and the other confused or defensive. What was meant to be adventurous ends up damaging trust and intimacy. 
  
  This scenario illustrates why consent in BDSM must be specific, ongoing, and revocable at any time. Vague consent (“sure, let’s get rough”) isn’t enough because it lacks the specificity needed for informed agreement. This is exactly why open, explicit communication isn’t just a formality in BDSM—it’s a foundation.
  
  
• “Opt-in” Style of Negotiation: Some educators will say the best way to kickstart negotiation is to fill out a BDSM checklist where you indicate all the activities you are or aren’t interested in. We’re not a fan of this method because it’s too overwhelming and broad. It’s much easier to opt in to activities that are likely to be a part of the scene you’re interested in doing. This “opt-in” approach reinforces that consent is about affirmatively choosing what you want, not just ruling out what you don’t. For example, if you’re negotiating a spanking scene, you should specify whether there are any body parts that are off-limits and whether genital contact is welcome or not. It wouldn’t be relevant to discuss the intricacies of rope bondage for that particular scene.
  

• Negotiation Frequency: If this all sounds rather businesslike, it doesn’t have to be. Negotiating can be flirty and sexy. It’s also not something you need to do before every scene if you’re in an established relationship. When you’ve been with someone for a while, you can build on prior knowledge and reserve negotiations for new activities. But remember that people’s limits can change over time, and previous consent doesn’t automatically apply to future encounters. If your limits change, be sure to communicate that to your partner.

• Safewords and Aftercare: Other important things to discuss before a scene are the use of safewords and any aftercare needs—emotional, psychological, and/or physical support following BDSM activities. Contrary to popular belief, you can use “no” and “stop” as safewords unless you’ve specifically negotiated that these words should be ignored during a scene. If you want to use these words while struggling or resisting and don’t want them to be taken literally, then you’ll need to choose another word as a safeword, such as “red.” (See the BDSM Safety Essentials section below for more info.)

During a Scene 

While BDSM communication is most detailed and specific before a scene, this doesn’t mean it shouldn’t occur during a scene. Both partners share responsibility for communicating needs and limits throughout the scene, not just before or after. However, make sure negotiation occurs prior to a scene. During a scene, sensations and emotions are heightened, and people may not be thinking clearly. This can compromise their ability to communicate. 

• Using a Safeword: Both partners should have clear, established safewords and, if needed, non-verbal signals (such as hand gestures or tapping) to communicate distress or the need to pause or stop. Most importantly, don’t be afraid to use these words or signals during a scene if something is wrong.
• Ongoing Check-Ins: Safewords should not take the place of other forms of communication. Dominants and tops should regularly check in with their partners, either verbally or through subtle cues, to ensure continued consent and comfort. This can be as simple as a look, a whispered question, or a gentle touch and helps maintain trust and safety without disrupting the mood.
• Non-Verbal Cues: Both partners should pay attention to body language, facial expressions, breathing, and other non-verbal signs that may indicate discomfort, distress, or enjoyment. Non-verbal communication is especially crucial when a submissive is gagged, restrained, or otherwise unable to speak.

After a Scene

Once you’ve finished a scene, it’s a good idea to talk about what you liked or didn’t like about it so you know what you want to do more or less of in the future and what you might change. Depending on how much aftercare is needed, this debrief can occur either immediately after a scene or sometime down the road. It also doesn’t need to be a lengthy conversation. The goal is just to glean any valuable feedback that can be applied going forward.

BDSM Safety Essentials 

Safewords

When you think about BDSM and safety, the first thing that probably comes to mind is safewords. In BDSM, a safeword is an agreed-upon word that, when spoken by either the bottom or the top, will immediately stop a scene. Many people use what’s known as the stoplight system: red means “stop everything immediately,” yellow means “slow down or change what you’re doing,” and green means “this is great; keep going.” 

In cases where the bottom is gagged or otherwise unable to speak, safewords must be nonverbal. In these instances, a gesture or sound (a series of taps or grunts or dropping an object, for example) should be established to serve as a safeword.

As we noted above, unless you’ve specifically negotiated that “no” and “stop” should be ignored during a scene, they should be taken at face value. No one should ever assume that “no” means “yes” unless told otherwise. If you know you’ll be using “no,” “stop,” and other similar words during a scene, then they cannot function as safewords and you’ll need to select different words for that purpose. Be sure to discuss your approach to these words before playing.

Activity-Based Safety Considerations

Having a safeword at the ready does not make BDSM inherently safe. This isn’t to say all BDSM activities are dangerous, but some involve more risk than others and require researching and learning specific safety techniques before you engage in them. Here are a couple of the most common ones:

• Rope Bondage: One of the most popular kinks is rope bondage, which may sound relatively harmless since it doesn’t involve impact, but can be risky if you don’t know what you’re doing. Two of the biggest risks are loss of circulation and nerve damage. Of these two, nerve damage is more serious. The most common causes of nerve damage during rope bondage are direct or indirect pressure on nerves and restricted blood and oxygen flow to nerves. Symptoms of nerve damage include tingling or burning, numbness, or loss of mobility. However, sometimes there are no symptoms at all. 
  
  You can mitigate the risk of nerve damage by not placing ropes on sensitive areas or joints, limiting the duration of bondage to no more than 20 minutes, and not tying ropes too tight.
  
  
• Choking: Despite the fact that choking is seemingly ubiquitous in “vanilla” sexual encounters involving rough sex, it’s often treated with extreme caution in the BDSM community if not avoided completely. This is because cutting off the blood supply to the brain by putting pressure on the neck can cause someone’s heart rate to decrease and blood vessels to expand to compensate for the momentary drop in blood pressure. This may not be an issue for some people, but it could cause a stroke or worse in someone with a history of heart problems. Additionally, if you put pressure on the front of someone’s neck (which you shouldn’t do), you can run the risk of damaging their larynx or fracturing delicate cartilage in that area. 
  
  You can lower the risks associated with breath play by avoiding solo play and dialing the intensity down. For instance, maybe try grasping at the neck instead of cutting off the air supply or placing a hand over someone’s nose and mouth instead of grabbing their neck. You could even kiss someone while holding their nose. 

There are many other BDSM activities that involve risks (face slapping, punching, etc.). The point is to research what you plan to do before you do it to find out what’s involved and how to do it as safely as possible.

Physical Limitations or Injuries

It’s also important to keep health conditions, physical limitations, or injuries in mind before you do any kind of BDSM scene. For instance, if you have shoulder mobility issues, some bondage positions may be extremely uncomfortable. Or if you have breast tenderness due to hormonal fluctuations, breast impact may be out of the question. It’s important to communicate these sorts of physical limits to your partner beforehand.

Subspace

Subspace is a trance-like, altered state of consciousness that some submissives experience during BDSM scenes. It’s often described as feeling “floaty,” euphoric, or disconnected from everyday reality—a bit like being in a dream or a meditative state.

Subspace is triggered by the body’s release of neurochemicals such as endorphins, adrenaline, dopamine, and oxytocin during intense physical or emotional stimulation—like pain. These chemicals can reduce pain awareness, heighten pleasure, and create a sense of emotional surrender.

Subspace is highly individual—some people reach it easily, others rarely or never experience it, and the sensations can vary from person to person. While subspace is generally a positive experience, we’re discussing it here because it can also cause people to become unaware of their surroundings and have difficulty speaking or moving. This, along with reduced pain awareness, means that subs in subspace may not be able to use their safeword or communicate. This is why it’s imperative for a dom to check in and monitor the sub’s body language. Doms cannot automatically assume everything is fine just because the sub hasn’t used a safeword.

Playing Under the Influence

It’s not smart to overindulge in drugs or alcohol and then do a scene. The second someone’s ability to give informed, enthusiastic consent is jeopardized, your scene is already in trouble. Beyond that, impaired judgment can lead to sloppy or uncontrolled topping and might impede a bottom’s ability to safeword or know when enough is enough.

Emotional Safety Considerations

Most people are probably aware that BDSM can be physically intense, but it can also pack an emotional punch, which is why it’s important to keep emotional safety in mind. Here are some common emotional minefields and what you can do to protect against them. (For additional sub-specific tips, see our post on BDSM safety for bottoms and subs.) 

• Sub Frenzy: Sub frenzy is a mindset that new subs sometimes experience that involves seeking out as many kinky experiences as fast as possible, often at the expense of personal safety. Sub frenzy is dangerous because it can cloud your judgment and make you less risk averse than you would be normally. If you find yourself tempted to engage in a lot of kinks you never imagined yourself doing, take some time to catch your breath and consider the mental and physical risks.

• Negative Mindset: It’s not smart to engage in BDSM if you’re in an unhealthy state of mind. What that entails varies from person to person, but if you’re feeling self-destructive or are seeking out BDSM as a form of real-life therapy or absolution, it’s likely to do more harm than good. Similarly, you should never use BDSM as a way to channel anger. BDSM should leave you feeling good and satisfied, so make sure you’re playing for the right reasons.
  
  
• Emotional Triggers: Emotional triggers in BDSM can provoke strong emotional or physical reactions, including anxiety, panic, dissociation, or flashbacks, especially for people with a history of trauma or PTSD. For example, being called a certain name, hearing a particular sound, or being touched in a specific way can unexpectedly bring up difficult memories or feelings. Be sure to share any known triggers with your partner before a scene. This includes discussing specific activities, words, or dynamics that might be off-limits.
  
  If an emotional trigger pops up unexpectedly during a BDSM scene, the scene should be paused. The non-triggered partner should check in, asking simple questions like, “Are you OK?” or “Do you want to stop?” This creates space to assess what’s happening without pressure to continue. The non-triggered partner can offer gentle touch (if welcome) or verbal reassurance (“You’re safe here”) or can simply be present and calm. If the trigger is intense or distressing, it’s absolutely OK to stop the scene entirely and shift to aftercare. Once everyone feels calm, discuss how the trigger arose, what helped, and how to handle similar situations in the future.
  
  
• Drop: Sub drop and top drop can happen after BDSM scenes. Symptoms can include fatigue, sadness, anxiety, self-doubt, and so on. Figuring out what to do about drop depends on what’s causing it. If you think it’s due to hormones rebalancing immediately following a scene, aftercare is your best bet. If you dropped for a negative reason—dissatisfaction in a relationship, for example—evaluate whether your needs are being met sexually, romantically, or both. It might be time to make a change. It’s important to remember that drop is not inevitable. We’ve done hundreds of scenes and have never experienced it!

Key Takeaways

• Consent, communication, and negotiation are non-negotiable. These three pillars form the foundation of safe and ethical BDSM practice and distinguish BDSM from abuse.
• “Opt-in” negotiation is more manageable than checklists. Rather than trying to cover every possible activity, focus on discussing what’s relevant to your planned scene.
• Communication should happen before, during, and after scenes. Each phase requires different types of communication, from detailed negotiation beforehand to check-ins during, and feedback afterward.
• Safewords are important but not sufficient. Having a safeword doesn’t automatically make BDSM safe. Research specific safety considerations for each activity you want to try.
• Physical and emotional safety are equally important. BDSM can trigger unexpected emotional responses, so be prepared to address both physical and psychological needs.

Section 3: Beginner-Friendly BDSM Scenes

How to Plan a Scene

There are quite a few tools out there to help you plan BDSM scenes—worksheets, workbooks, apps, etc. But you don’t need to spend hours filling out forms to have a great scene. Instead, just focus on answering a few key questions that will help guide the scene. If you’re in an established dynamic, your answers to these questions are going to look different than if you’re playing with someone new. See the post linked above for more details on that.

• What are our goals for this scene? What mood or feeling do we want to create? The purpose of this question is to make sure you’re on the same page about what you want to do. You can discuss the activities you want to include as well as the mood you want to create. A playful D/s spanking scene is going to be quite different from an intensely sadistic humiliation scene. It’s important to sketch out these basics before you begin.
  
• What are our limits? We covered this in detail in the Three Pillars of BDSM section above, but in short, do this by opting in rather than opting out. This means that as you’re discussing the kinds of things you want to do, figure out limits within the context of that scene, not all possible scenes. For example, if you’re going to be doing a spanking discipline scene, you should talk about limits that pertain to that scene. This might include what implements, if any, are unacceptable to use for spanking and what language is off-limits. It would not be necessary, however, to explain that you hate being bound in a box tie if rope wasn’t negotiated as a part of this scene.
  
• What’s our safeword? See the safeword section in BDSM Safety Essentials above. Importantly, it’s fine to use “no” or “stop” as your safeword if you don’t plan to say those words as part of a scene and not mean them.
  
• What are the aftercare expectations? Some people may need food, water, and/or physical contact; others may need almost nothing. It varies from person to person. If you’re new to BDSM and aren’t sure what you might need after a scene, it’s OK to play it by ear.

If you’re in an established relationship, planning a scene is likely going to be a bit more organic than going through a list of questions. For instance, when Vagabond plans our scenes, he thinks about a few things (not necessarily in this order):

• Feedback Mimsy gave him about prior scenes—things she especially liked and wants to do more of
• How much time and energy we both have
• What he wants the “theme” of the scene to be (degradation, ownership, etc.)
• What implements he can use to help achieve that theme

This planning typically takes place an hour or two before the scene and is sometimes much more impromptu than that.

Common Scene Types

Below, we lay out multiple types of scenes to give you some ideas about what’s possible. We include information on how dominance and submission can play a role in each scene type, but not all scenes require D/s. Some, like discipline or bratting, don’t really work without D/s, but others, like sensory play, are perfectly possible to do without a power play component.

Power Exchange Scenes

Power exchange refers to the transfer of control from one partner to another. People who enjoy the psychological aspects of dominance and submission more than specific physical sensations are drawn to these kinds of scenes. The appeal lies in the freedom of giving up control or the thrill of taking charge. Implements can be used or not—they’re really just a means to an end.

Beginner-Friendly Entry Points

• Start with a simple position training scene where the dominant instructs the submissive to hold specific poses.
• Try a permission-based scene where the submissive must ask for permission before any movement or action.
• Experiment with a “follow my lead” scene where the dominant physically guides the submissive’s movements.

Intensity Levels

• Light: Brief periods of control with frequent check-ins and a playful tone
• Medium: Extended control over specific activities with clear boundaries
• Heavy: Comprehensive control over an entire sexual encounter with minimal breaks in the power dynamic

Sample Dominant Dialogue

• “Don’t move unless I tell you to. Do you understand?”
• “Put your hands behind your back and keep them there until I say otherwise.”
• “You’re going to follow every instruction exactly as I give it.”
• “Ask me nicely for what you want.”

Implements/Activities That Work Well

• Hand restraint (holding wrists rather than using equipment)
• Verbal commands with clear expectations
• Physical positioning and guidance
• Simple tasks or challenges

Things to Watch For

• Submissives may experience unexpected vulnerability or emotional release.
• Dominants might feel performance anxiety or uncertainty about pushing boundaries.
• Both partners might be surprised by how strongly they respond to explicit power dynamics.

Discipline Scenes

In discipline scenes, power exchange is structured around authority and accountability. The dominant has the authority to set rules and administer consequences, while the submissive consents to be held accountable. These types of scenes appeal to people who enjoy accountability, behavioral boundaries, and the tension between obedience and rebellion. These scenes often incorporate elements of roleplay and power exchange while playing with the ideas of correction and improvement.

Beginner-Friendly Entry Points

• Create a simple rule violation scene where minor infractions earn light punishments.
• Try a training session where the submissive learns to perform tasks to the dominant’s standards.
• Experiment with a “good behavior” scene that focuses on rewards rather than punishments.

Intensity Levels

• Light: Playful “punishments” like spanking or brief corner time with a focus on fun
• Medium: More serious corrections, such as lengthier more intense spankings, with clear rules and meaningful consequences
• Heavy: Extended discipline sessions with multiple components and psychological elements

Sample Dominant Dialogue

• “That’s three rules you’ve broken. You know what happens now.”
• “I expect better from you. Show me you can do this correctly.”
• “Each time you make that mistake, I’ll have to spank you harder.”
• “You’ve earned a reward for following instructions so well.”

Implements/Activities That Work Well

• Spanking with hand or simple implements (paddle, hairbrush)
• Corner time or other position-holding as punishment
• Writing lines or confessions
• Reward/privilege systems for good behavior

Things to Watch For

• Some submissives may experience unexpected emotional catharsis during punishment.
• Dominants might struggle with administering discipline, especially if they’re concerned about causing harm.
• The line between play punishment and real criticism can sometimes blur, causing confusion.

Brat Play Scenes

Brat play scenes involve a submissive who playfully resists, teases, or challenges their dominant, creating a dynamic of consensual disobedience. These scenes appeal to people who enjoy the chase, playful struggle for control, or who find direct submission difficult but enjoy being “made” to submit. Brat play offers a way to submit while maintaining a sense of agency and personality.

In brat scenes, power exchange becomes a game of cat and mouse. Unlike more straightforward submission, the power must be actively asserted by the dominant and playfully resisted by the submissive before ultimately being surrendered. This creates a dynamic tension where power is constantly negotiated, tested, and reaffirmed. 

Beginner-Friendly Entry Points

• Start with a “sass and consequences” scene where verbal challenges earn playful punishments.
• Try a “make me” scenario where the dominant must overcome performative resistance.
• Experiment with a “pushing buttons” scene where the brat deliberately provokes the dominant.

Levels of Intensity

• Light: Playful verbal teasing with minimal physical resistance and a focus on banter
• Medium: More challenging behavior with moderate resistance and consequences
• Heavy: Intense resistance requiring significant dominance to overcome, potentially including elements of chase or struggle

Sample Dialogue

• Brat: “What are you going to do about it?”
  Dom: “Keep pushing and you’ll find out.”
• Brat: “Make me.” 
  Dom: “Oh, I will. And you’ll regret challenging me.”
• Brat: “Is that supposed to hurt? I barely felt it.” 
  Dom: “Then I’ll have to try harder, won’t I?”
• Brat: “You’re not the boss of me.”
  Dom: “We both know that’s not true.”

Implements/Activities That Work Well

• Verbal sparring and witty exchanges
• Light physical restraint to control bratty behavior
• Playful “punishments” that aren’t too severe
• Chase and capture elements
• Tickling or other playful physical sensations

Things to Watch For

• Some dominants may struggle with distinguishing between playful brattiness and genuine disrespect.
• Brats might accidentally push too far and trigger genuine frustration.
• The playful nature can sometimes make it difficult to transition to more serious moments.

Sensory Exploration Scenes

Sensory scenes focus on manipulating physical sensations to create heightened awareness, surprise, and pleasure. These scenes appeal to people who enjoy being fully present in their bodies and experiencing a range of sensations beyond typical sexual touch. They’re particularly good for beginners because they can be entirely separated from pain if desired.

In these scenes, power exchange centers on vulnerability and trust. The submissive partner surrenders control over their sensory experiences, placing trust in the dominant to create a journey of sensation. The dominant holds power through their ability to introduce, withhold, or manipulate sensations, creating anticipation and surprise. Unlike more explicit power dynamics, the exchange here is often subtle and focused on sensory experience rather than obedience.

Beginner-Friendly Entry Points

• Try a “sensation tour” where different textures and temperatures are applied to various body parts.
• Experiment with a simple blindfold scene to heighten touch sensitivity and create surprise.
• Alternate between different contrasting sensations (soft/rough, warm/cool).

Levels of Intensity

• Light: Brief sensory play with common household items and continuous communication
• Medium: Extended sessions with BDSM toys and partial sensory deprivation
• Heavy: Complete sensory deprivation or complex combinations of sensations

Sample Dominant Dialogue

• “I want you to focus completely on what you’re feeling right now.”
• “Tell me which sensation you enjoy most.”
• “You won’t know what’s coming next. All you can do is feel.”
• “I’m going to make your body so sensitive that even my breath will make you shiver.”

Implements/Activities That Work Well

• Blindfolds or sleep masks
• Various textures: feathers, fur, silk, leather
• Temperature play: ice cubes, warm massage oil
• Everyday items with interesting textures: paintbrushes, pinwheels, bear claws, wooden or metal knives

Things to Watch For

• Sensory deprivation can sometimes trigger anxiety or claustrophobia.
• Some people may become emotionally overwhelmed when senses are heightened.
• Unexpected associations between sensations and memories may arise.

Pain Play Scenes

Pain play scenes focus on controlled discomfort or pain for pleasure, endorphin release, or emotional catharsis. These scenes appeal to people who enjoy testing physical limits, experiencing the body’s natural pain-management responses, or using physical intensity to achieve mental clarity or emotional release. Don’t worry if you’re not interested in pain play. Although it’s commonly associated with BDSM, it’s by no means a requirement, and plenty of subs aren’t particularly interested in it (Mimsy being one). 

In pain play scenes, power exchange revolves around endurance and control. The dominant partner controls the type, intensity, and duration of sensations, while the submissive demonstrates strength through receiving and processing these sensations. There’s often a collaborative element where both partners work together to explore limits, with the submissive’s responses guiding the dominant’s actions. The power dynamic is reinforced through the dominant’s responsibility to read responses accurately and the submissive’s trust in surrendering to intense sensations.

Beginner-Friendly Entry Points

• Start with a pain gradient scene, slowly increasing intensity to find comfortable limits.
• Try pleasure-pain pairing where mild discomfort is immediately followed by pleasure.
• Experiment with endorphin building through rhythmic, gradually increasing stimulation.

Levels of Intensity

• Light: Brief moments of mild intensity (firm spanking, hair pulling, pinching) mixed with pleasure
• Medium: Extended sessions with moderate pain and intentional endorphin building
• Heavy: High-intensity play with careful monitoring and established pain tolerance

Sample Dominant Dialogue

• “I’m going to start gentle and get more intense. Tell me when you’re at a 7 out of 10.”
• “Focus on your breathing as you take this for me.”
• “The pain is a gift you’re giving me. Let me see you embrace it.”
• “I’ll hurt you exactly how you need to be hurt and no more.”

Implements/Activities That Work Well

• Hand spanking (safest for beginners)
• Hair pulling (from the roots, not ends)
• Biting and pinching
• Light slapping on fleshy areas

Things to Watch For

• Endorphin release can cause euphoria, giggles, or emotional release (“subspace”).
• Some people may experience unexpected emotional catharsis or tears even during enjoyable pain.
• First-time pain play can sometimes trigger confusion about enjoying something painful.

Humiliation, Praise, and Other Psychological Scenes

Humiliation, praise, and other psychological scenes focus on mental and emotional experiences rather than physical sensations. These scenes appeal to people who enjoy exploring identity, vulnerability, validation, or humiliation in a controlled environment. They can be some of the most intense BDSM experiences while requiring minimal equipment or physical intensity.

In these types of scenes, power exchange operates primarily on the mental and emotional level. The dominant exerts control over the submissive’s mental state, self-perception, or emotional experience and is responsible for navigating it respectfully, while the sub opens themselves to being mentally and emotionally affected.

Beginner-Friendly Entry Points

• Experiment with light verbal humiliation or strong praise, depending on preferences. 
• Create a scene focused on objectification (being used as furniture, for example) or worship.

Levels of Intensity

• Light: Brief moments of psychological play with clear boundaries and frequent breaks
• Medium: Extended scenes with deeper psychological elements but avoiding personal triggers
• Heavy: Intense psychological immersion that may deliberately approach (but respect) emotional edges

Sample Dominant Dialogue

• For humiliation: “You’re nothing but a dirty whore that I’m going to use for my pleasure.”
• For praise: “You’re so beautiful when you submit to me like this.”
• For mind games: “I know exactly what you need, even when you don’t.”
• For objectification: “You’re just a thing to be used until I’m satisfied.”

Implements/Activities That Work Well

• Verbal direction, humiliation, or praise
• Physical humiliation or praise (making them strip while you inspect their body, etc.)
• Objectification (treating partner as furniture, decoration, or toy)
• Writing tasks (confessions, self-descriptions, fantasies)

Things to Watch For

• Psychological play can trigger unexpected emotional responses even in experienced players.
• The line between sexy humiliation and genuine hurt feelings can be thin.
• Some may experience drop after intense psychological scenes.

Consensual Non-Consent (CNC) Scenes

Prerequisites Before Considering CNC

Consensual non-consent scenes (also known as “rape” or ravishment play) involve simulating non-consensual activities within a carefully negotiated framework of actual consent. These scenes appeal to people who enjoy the fantasy of force, the complete surrender of control, or the intensity of resistance and capture. CNC allows for the exploration of taboo fantasies in a controlled, consensual environment.

In CNC scenes, power exchange reaches its most extreme form, with one partner appearing to completely surrender control and choice to the other. The reality, however, is that CNC involves some of the most careful and explicit consent in BDSM. The submissive retains significant power through extensive pre-scene negotiation. The dominant holds tremendous responsibility to honor all boundaries while creating the illusion of non-consent. This creates a complex power dynamic where the appearance of total power imbalance is actually built upon a foundation of meticulous mutual agreement and respect.

Important Note: CNC is not BDSM for beginners. We’re including it in this guide for awareness, but recommend gaining significant experience with other BDSM dynamics before attempting CNC. Extensive preparation, trust, and communication skills are essential.

Prerequisites Before Considering CNC

• Established trust and communication patterns with your partner
• Experience with safewords and boundary setting in less intense scenes
• Clear understanding of triggers and emotional responses for both partners
• Detailed negotiation and scenario planning

Levels of Intensity

• Light: Mild resistance play with clearly scripted scenarios and frequent check-ins
• Medium: More immersive force fantasies with established boundaries and safety protocols
• Heavy: Elaborate CNC scenarios that may involve roleplay (burglary gone wrong, abduction, etc.)

Sample Dialogue (For Negotiation, Not The Scene)

• “Let’s discuss exactly what ‘force’ means in our scenario and what’s off-limits.”
• “I need to know your specific triggers so I can avoid them.”
• “What words or actions would break the fantasy for you?”
• “Let’s establish multiple ways for you to safeword, including non-verbal signals.”

Implements/Activities That Work Well

• Detailed scenario planning with clear boundaries
• Physical restraint within comfort and safety limits
• Roleplay elements that create context for the scene

Things to Watch For

• CNC can trigger unexpected emotional responses even with thorough preparation.
• Some people may experience confusion about enjoying force fantasies or guilt after scenes.
• Both partners may need significant aftercare and processing time.
• Emotional responses may emerge hours or days after the scene.

Safety Considerations Specific to CNC

• Establish clear boundaries about what specific activities are included/excluded.
• Create multiple safeword options including non-verbal signals.
• Practice certain physical maneuvers beforehand (slapping, kicking, takedowns, etc.) to mitigate risk of injury or clumsiness during the scene itself.
• Discuss how to handle emotional responses during and after the scene.
• Consider writing down agreements for clarity.
• Plan comprehensive aftercare for both partners.

Combining Scene Types for Richer Experiences

As you become more comfortable with different BDSM scene types, you’ll likely find that the most satisfying scenes often combine elements from multiple categories. For example:

• A discipline scene might incorporate sensory elements (blindfolding before punishment).
• A brat scene might involve discipline (spanking).
• A CNC scene might incorporate pain and humiliation.

The types of scenes presented here aren’t rigid categories but rather starting points to help you identify what aspects of BDSM most appeal to you. As you gain experience, you’ll develop your own unique blend of activities and dynamics that work for your relationship.

Key Takeaways

• Scene planning doesn’t have to be complicated. Focus on goals, limits, safewords, and aftercare expectations rather than exhaustive checklists.
• Start with lighter intensity levels. Begin with brief, playful scenes and gradually work up to more intense experiences as you build confidence and trust.
• Different scene types can be combined. As you gain experience, you’ll likely find that mixing elements from various scene types creates the most satisfying experiences.
• Power exchange takes many forms. From explicit dominance and submission to subtle sensory control, power dynamics can be expressed in ways that match your comfort level.
• Not all BDSM involves pain. Many scene types focus on psychological elements, sensory exploration, or power dynamics without significant pain play.

Section 4: Growing Your BDSM Knowledge

The Importance of BDSM Education

Learning as much as you can about how to do various kinky activities is crucial not only for safety but for maximizing enjoyment. Knowing how to do what you want to do will prevent you from fumbling around or making dangerous mistakes.

If you identify as a sub, you might be wondering why you need to learn a bunch of BDSM skills since you’re not the one who will be deploying them. But doms and subs should both make a point of educating themselves about BDSM. For example, if you plan to participate in a rope scene, the dom should be knowledgeable about rope safety, nerve damage, various types of ties, and so on. Although a rope bottom is less likely to need to know how to tie intricate knots, they should absolutely familiarize themselves with rope safety, like how nerve damage can happen.

Reliable Resources for Continued Learning

One of the best ways to learn about BDSM is to take classes—either in person or virtually. We’ve written about this extensively in the post linked above, but in short, classes provide the following:

• Amazing demo scenes
• Invaluable science
• Insight into core BDSM principles
• In-depth explanations of specific kinks
• Personal stories

If classes aren’t your jam or you’re having trouble finding ones that cover things you want to learn about, books, articles, and videos are a great way to expand your BDSM knowledge. Check out our extensive list of BDSM resources for recommendations.

Experimentation

Although research is important for practicing BDSM safely and competently, everything you learn through classes and other resources is going to be theoretical until you try it. It’s equally important to get hands-on experience so you know what you like and don’t like and what techniques need refinement. And hands-on experience is the best part! It’s when you get to bring your kinky desires to life.

You can do this in the privacy of your home, of course, but you can also go to dungeons and play parties to experiment in a more public setting. If this sounds intimidating, we understand. It was scary for us at first, too. But there are a couple of advantages to playing in public when you’re new to BDSM: safety and education. On the safety front, dungeons and play parties have dungeon monitors (DMs) who observe what’s going on and make sure people are following the rules. And in terms of education, you can watch experienced players do all kinds of scenes, which can help inform your own play style. 

If you’re single and looking for a kinky, monogamous partner, the public BDSM scene probably isn’t the best place to find one because it skews heavily poly, but that shouldn’t prevent you from dipping a toe into the scene to learn more about BDSM, if you’re curious.

Whether you experiment in public or private, we hope this guide and other BDSM resources will give you the framework to do that confidently.

Key Takeaways

• Experimentation is an ongoing process: Your BDSM journey will continue to evolve as you discover new interests, refine techniques, and deepen your understanding of what works for you.
• Both dominants and submissives need education. Regardless of your role, understanding the mechanics, risks, and techniques of BDSM activities is crucial for safety and enjoyment. Seek out reliable classes, books, videos, and articles.
• Theory must be paired with practice. Research provides the foundation, but hands-on experience is essential for developing your skills and discovering your preferences.
• The BDSM community can be valuable even for bedroom-only practitioners. Dungeons and play parties can provide safety oversight and allow you to observe experienced practitioners.