Basics

BDSM on the Cheap

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Although BDSM is often associated with fancy leather or latex outfits and expensive equipment, the truth is you don’t need any of that to partake. You can be just as kinky using homemade gear or things you already own. Here are some of our favorite ways to do BDSM on the cheap.

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Misogyny in BDSM Dynamics

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A black woman with hand raised in a "stop" gesture.
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We’re living proof that a couple that is egalitarian in every way can still enjoy hot BDSM play. This even includes fantasy scenes that toy with sexist gender-normative themes such as slut shaming and CNC. But as much as the BDSM scene purports to be feminist and all about consent, the unfortunate truth is that whatever societal ills plague the vanilla world are just as present in the BDSM community, including misogyny.

The fact that misogyny exists in BDSM shouldn’t be surprising given that the majority of straight men in the BDSM community identify as dominants and the majority of straight women identify as submissives. Of course, this doesn’t mean that all, or even most, male doms are misogynistic. But it does mean that those who are often attempt to hide behind the dominant label. Some male doms forget that BDSM is essentially about role play. Instead, they act as if subs are inferior and don’t deserve to be treated as equals. In its most extreme form, misogyny in BDSM manifests as outright abuse, but it also shows up in less overt forms. Below are a few of the common ways that chauvinistic doms confuse fantasy with reality.

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The Ultimate Guide to BDSM Dirty Talk

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Man standing behind woman talking in her ear as he pins her hands to a glass door.

The vast majority of people fantasize about dirty talk during sex, especially people who fantasize about BDSM. But turning these fantasies into reality can be a challenge if you don’t know what to say or are afraid you’ll blurt out something embarrassing that will kill the mood. Our BDSM dirty talk guide brings together everything kinky couples like us need to know based on the best ideas from books, articles, classes, and hours of hot (and occasionally awkward) BDSM research.

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A Guide to Spontaneous CNC Scenes

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man holding woman's neck while getting ready to kiss

Aren’t consensual non-consent (CNC) scenes supposed to be carefully planned and negotiated? How can a CNC scene be done safely in the heat of the moment? The answer to the first question is yes! Especially if you have something elaborate in mind. But if you know your partner well, it’s entirely possible to add spontaneous CNC to your kinky repertoire without discussing every detail ahead of time.

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Rough Body Play: Intro to Face Slapping

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Cartoon image of a woman slapping a man in the face
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The first time I was slapped in the face during sex was during a kinky hook-up. I was still new to BDSM at the time and wasn’t exactly sure what to expect. The surprise, the taboo of it, my submissiveness—I loved it all. Even though the guy hadn’t hit me that hard, I felt the sting for hours afterward, at least in my mind, and I knew immediately that I wanted to be with someone who would do that to me again. Fortunately, when I met Vagabond, he was more than happy to oblige.     

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The New Dominant Survival Guide

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Man walking on deserted beach headed toward mountains

You’ve finally figured out how to label that super sexy way you like to be in control of the object of your desire; congratulations, you’re a dominant! There are as many ways to be dominant in BDSM as there are doms, but following the advice below will make you a better one. If you’re submissive or a non-dominant kinkster, you’re welcome to read on to get a glimpse of what makes a dominant tick, but you should also check out The New Submissive Survival Guide.

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Black, Indigenous, and People of Color BDSM Resources

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Black Lives Matter!
As an Amazon Associate, we earn from qualifying purchases made via some of the links below (at no additional cost to you). We may also earn a small commission (at no additional cost to you) if you make a purchase via the Kink Academy links below. This post was originally published on June 21, 2020 and was updated on January 1, 2021.

If you’re White, keep reading! Don’t make the mistake of thinking these Black, Indigenous, and People of Color (BIPOC) BDSM resources don’t pertain to you. They absolutely do. 

In the wake of the murders of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery, and countless other Black people, we, like so many Americans, have joined the effort to prevent such atrocities from occurring in the future. But the changes that need to occur in this country go far beyond ending police brutality. Every community needs to take a step back and reflect on what it can do to not only make space for BIPOC but ensure they are welcome participants and leaders. And the BDSM community is no exception.

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The Hottest Thing in a BDSM Relationship? Trust.

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Wartenberg wheel on bare skin

Would you let someone you don’t trust spank you, tie you up, and call you names? Probably not. Trust is integral to a BDSM relationship and is ultimately what makes any kind of power exchange so hot. Taking another person’s control away or letting them take it from you is thrilling, risky, and raw. Without trust, neither partner can completely let go and enjoy the moment. But with trust, BDSM and power exchange can bring partners closer together and eventually pave the way to rougher or riskier play.

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