Beginner BDSM guides often make it seem like filling out extensive negotiation checklists and spreadsheets before playing is an essential step. But do you really need to catalog everything you plan to do in granular detail each and every time you decide to do a scene with someone? Probably not. In this post, we’ll break down the essential questions you need to consider for BDSM scenes whether you’re playing with someone new or a longtime partner.
Most guides to BDSM make it sound like you should follow the exact same negotiation protocol with a long-term partner that you would use with someone new. But this isn’t the case. Before you play with someone new, it’s important to establish some key parameters when you negotiate. Once you’re in an established dynamic and you know each other well, your negotiation needs are going to shift because some things will be understood from the get go. Here are six essential questions to ask before and after a BDSM scene and how you might think about them differently depending on how long you’ve known your partner.
Before a BDSM Scene
1. What are our goals for this scene? What mood or feeling do we want to create?
- New Partner: The purpose of this question is to make sure you’re on the same page about what you want to do. You can discuss the activities you want to include as well as the mood you want to create. A playful D/s spanking scene is going to be quite different from an intensely sadistic humiliation scene. It’s important to sketch out these basics before you begin.
- Established Partner: Truthfully, you might not need to ask about goals in an established relationship because you’re more likely to intuit them based on each other’s behavior. This is certainly the case for us. However, we do sometimes mention certain implements we want to incorporate. For instance, Mimsy might playfully ask Vagabond if he can use bear claws on her, which indicates she’s more in the mood for a scene focused on sensation play. On the other hand, if Mimsy asks what Vagabond wants her to do, the scene might focus more on D/s style commands and dirty talk.
2. What are our limits?
- New Partner: It’s imperative to discuss any limits, but it’s easier to do this by opting in rather than opting out. This means that as you’re discussing the kinds of things you want to do, figure out limits within the context of that scene, not all possible scenes. For example, if you’re going to be doing a spanking discipline scene, you should talk about limits that pertain to that scene. This might include what implements, if any, are unacceptable to use for spanking and what language is off limits. It would not be necessary, however, to explain that you hate being bound in a box tie if rope wasn’t negotiated as a part of this scene.
- Established Partner: You probably already know each other’s hard limits, so there’s no need to reiterate them every time. However, if there are new boundaries one of you wants to set, you should discuss those. For us, new limits usually involve injuries or sore spots on the body that need to be avoided. For instance, Mimsy might say her breasts are especially tender before her period one month, so boob slapping is off limits.
3. What’s our safeword?
- New Partner: A safeword should be chosen before a scene and should be a word that you’ll both easily remember and would be unlikely to say for any other reason. Contrary to popular belief, it’s fine to use “no” or “stop” as your safeword if you don’t plan to say those words as part of a scene and not mean them. If you do intend to say them as part of play, then choose another safeword. To keep things simple, we recommend using the stoplight system: red means stop, and yellow means slow down. No one should ever assume that “no” means “yes” unless told otherwise.
- Established Partner: You should already know your safeword in an established dynamic! And the longer you’re with someone, the more attuned you may become to their vocalizations. Friends of ours with hundreds of scenes under their belts use “no” and “stop” as a word for “yes, keep going,” but only when used in a specific tone. Any deviation, like a slightly lower pitched “no” or “ouch” is always interpreted by the dom as a “yellow” or “red.”
4. What are the aftercare expectations?
- New Partner: Aftercare is something you need to discuss before you start a scene so the expectations are clear going in. Some people may need food, water, and/or physical contact; others may need almost nothing. It varies from person to person. If you’re new to BDSM and aren’t sure what you might need after a scene, it’s OK to play it by ear. If you’re the top/dom in that situation, be sure to ask the bottom/sub afterward how they’re feeling and what they need. If you’re the bottom, remember to communicate. Your dom isn’t a mind reader.
- Established Partner: Although you may know the perfect aftercare routine for your partner, things may change over time, and not just for a sub. “Top drop,” for example, is a feeling of psychic exhaustion or doubt that accumulates slowly over many scenes that might be soothed with a change in pace, temporary adjustments in play, or words of validation from the sub to the dom.
After a BDSM Scene
5. What did you especially like or dislike about the scene?
- New or Established Partner: You don’t need to dissect every moment of your scene, but regardless of how long you’ve known your partner, it’s a good idea to mention anything that stood out as especially negative or positive. Listening carefully to a sub’s honest feedback can seem to be a dom’s psychic superpower, even in an established dynamic.
6. What do you want to do more or less in the future?
- New Partner: If you never plan to see the person again, this question is probably moot. But if you do want to play with them again, the answer to this should stem naturally from your discussion of the previous question. Communicate clearly about anything you definitely don’t want to do again. And if there’s something you want to experience more of or in a different way, make that clear as well.
- Established Partner: If you tried something new that you didn’t like, be sure to communicate that to your partner so they know it’s off limits going forward. Conversely, if you tried something new that you loved, tell them so they know that activity is a go.