We recently attended a virtual class on sub and top drop—a feeling of depression that can occur after BDSM scenes—and how to deal with it when it happens. The instructor made it sound as if drop is an inevitable byproduct of great BDSM scenes. This struck us as odd, considering we’ve done hundreds of scenes and have never once experienced drop! This led us to wonder what drop really is, what causes it, and how it can be avoided. We address these questions and more in this post.
What Is Drop in BDSM?
BDSM Wiki defines drop as “an experience with similar characteristics of depression that occurs after an intense SM scene. It is caused by adrenaline and endorphin crashes after the adrenaline and endorphin spikes that may occur during a scene.” Other sources offer related definitions and note that drop can last anywhere from an hour to several days after a scene. Symptoms mimic those of depression and can include fatigue, sadness, anxiety, self-doubt, and so on. The effects of drop are similar for subs and doms, though the causes may be somewhat different.
Despite the ubiquity of these types of definitions, they aren’t completely accurate, as we explain below.
What Causes Drop?
Here’s where things get interesting. Most people in the kink community seem to think the timing of drop isn’t connected to the cause. In other words, drop that occurs minutes after a scene ends is no different from drop that happens days later, and both are attributable to hormonal shifts. But this isn’t exactly right.
In their wonderful paper “Black and Blues: Sub Drop, Top Drop, Event Drop and Scene Drop,” authors Richard Sprott and Anna Randall explain that there are in fact two distinct types of drop. Put simply, they hypothesize that the kind of drop that occurs immediately after a scene is caused by hormonal changes, while drop that happens later on is caused by psychological factors unrelated to the scene’s short-acting hormonal shifts.
Studies have shown that cortisol—a hormone released in response to stress—rises significantly in bottoms engaging in BDSM scenes. So it stands to reason that drop right after a scene is a biochemical reaction—physical and emotional exhaustion as a result of having been through a stressful experience. (Note that stressful does not necessarily have a negative connotation; it can also be neutral or positive “eustress.”) While doms don’t experience a cortisol spike during scenes, they can enter a state of flow, or intense focus. However, no hormonal rebalancing has been observed that occurs after being in a state of flow, so dom drop likely relates to a second type of drop, which we’ll turn to next.
Regarding delayed drop that happens hours or days after a scene, Sprott and Randall propose that it probably stems from grief caused by an acute sense of loss. After people are fully absorbed in intensely erotic scenes, the comedown from this state of consciousness can feel sad. The same can be true in non-erotic situations as well, such as the depression some people feel when missing their romantic partner or after competing in the Olympics.
People can also feel a sense of loss after engaging in kink community activities, such as play parties or BDSM conventions. Kinksters are free to be themselves at these events and may feel despondent about having to return to their vanilla lives afterward. Most of us have experienced something similar after returning home from a vacation (“post-vacation blues”). Finally, Sprott and Randall propose that for some people, drop may be linked to identity change, such as feeling regret that they didn’t find their kink identity sooner.
Sprott and Randall note that their hypotheses about drop are predicated on having positive BDSM experiences and acknowledge that psychological drop is also possible after negative BDSM scenes. This seems not only possible but probable given the number of accounts in online BDSM forums about people feeling mentally unwell after scenes they may not have enjoyed. These experiences may have more to do with a sinking feeling that something is off either sexually or romantically with their partner.
Is Drop IN BDSM Inevitable?
The short answer is no. Just because you have a great BDSM scene doesn’t mean you’re destined to experience the flip side of that feeling. As we said at the top, we’ve done hundreds of scenes and have never felt depressed afterward. We have felt sad after unfulfilling vanilla sex, though, with various past partners for an array of reasons. Feeling sad after sex isn’t limited to kink.
Obviously, the hormones your body releases during a scene are beyond your control, but you can try to mitigate some of the psychologically driven aspects of longer-term drop. For starters, if you’re feeling down or mentally off before a scene, consider postponing it until you’re in a better frame of mind. Also, don’t approach the possibility of drop with an exaggerated sense of anticipatory dread. Everyone feels sad sometimes, but these feelings usually pass.
How Do You Recover from Drop?
Figuring out what to do about drop when it happens depends on what’s causing it. If you think it’s due to hormones rebalancing immediately following a scene, aftercare is your best bet, and it’s a good idea to renegotiate your needs and preferences from time to time. It may also help to remind yourself that what you’re experiencing is temporary and physiological and will subside relatively quickly.
If your drop is more about a sense of loss, as described by Sprott and Randall, it might take a little longer to bounce back. If you have a regular partner, remind yourself that your next scene is probably right around the corner. Also, consider what you might need from your partner in the days after an intense scene.
If you dropped after a community event, it may help to get your next kink event on the calendar as soon as possible so you have something to look forward to. And if you dropped for a negative reason—dissatisfaction in a relationship, for example—evaluate whether your needs are being met sexually, romantically, or both. It might be time to make a change.