When we think back to the first knots and spanks that marked our BDSM journeys, we realize that the advice that would have helped our younger selves find better and more mind-blowing experiences are exactly the same things we still do today. Here are five tips that helped us navigate BDSM with curiosity and care.
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As anyone exploring BDSM has likely discovered, finding reliable educational resources can be a challenge. While experienced kinksters often emphasize the importance of classes and community learning, many newbies turn to pornography to explore and learn about kink. But how well does porn actually educate people about BDSM? A February 2025 study by Iris Ryn Olson and Bryce Westlake examines this question, revealing the gaps, benefits, and risks of using porn as a learning tool about BDSM. Here’s what you need to know about the study.
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Depending on what you read, the premise of the erotic drama Babygirl is either believable and feminist or unbelievable and deeply unfeminist. The kink in the movie is either realistic and titillating or unrealistic and passe. The movie was either clearly made by someone with kink experience or by vanilla know-nothings. There have been so many contradictory takes on this movie it’s hard to know what to think.
But the director, Halina Reijn, has given us a huge hint about this tale of a high-powered female CEO’s D/s affair with a young male intern. In an interview with Cosmopolitan, she said, “We’re witnessing two people who are not doing it totally right. They have no experience in the Dom/sub world. My movie is a fable, it’s not a documentary. It’s a cautionary tale.” It’s through this lens that we’ll discuss the good and the bad of Babygirl. (This post does include spoilers.)
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Allegations of sexual abuse and assault against the famous author Neil Gaiman first came to light in 2024 via the podcast Master, which presented the accounts of four women who had been sexually involved with Gaiman. An article in Vulture in early 2025 brought renewed attention to those allegations and included the stories of additional women.
Collectively, these accounts revealed a pattern: Gaiman seems to have sadistic dominant tendencies and picked vulnerable, mostly much younger, women to enact them with. In many of the cases, the women allege that they hated his treatment of them but felt compelled or coerced to consent. Gaiman’s position is that all of these relationships were entirely consensual. This raises important questions about the ethics of domination and submission in a BDSM dynamic.
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When people talk about generative AI, they’re usually referring to large language models (LLMs), which try to predict the best answer to your questions based on the published history of a topic. You’ve probably used it to ask questions you would have Googled in the past (How long does it take to cook chicken thighs? What causes lake-effect snow?). Or maybe you’ve used it to do work-related tasks like draft code or revise the tone of an email you want to send. Some people find it fascinating and helpful, while others are deeply suspicious of its capabilities. Love it or hate it, one thing is clear: AI is here to stay. So, if you’re game, why not try to use it in BDSM? In this post, we’ll explain how AI can help you with two common BDSM tasks: coming up with scene ideas and writing a contract.
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When it comes to giving kinky gifts, it can be hard to know where to start. How do you find quality gear? What if you’re on a budget? What gifts are good for newbies versus experienced BDSM players? We’ve got you covered! There’s something on our list for every kinkster.
It’s no secret that a lot of kinksters enjoy reading about BDSM—how to do it, why people are into it, the history of it, you name it. Here are a few of our favorite books on the subject. Check out our Resources page for more ideas.
The amount of BDSM gear and toys on the market can be truly overwhelming, especially if you don’t know exactly what you’re looking for. Here are some of our favorites that appeal to different kinks and are relatively affordable. Check out our BDSM on the Cheap post for more ideas.
If you’re looking for kinky gift ideas for someone who already has it all, an experience may be a good option. BDSM experiences run the gamut from play parties to classes to weekend-long conventions and getaways.
“This rule is ridiculous,” the brat said, rolling their eyes. “And I’d break it again.”
The dom didn’t disagree. “You told me you want me to hold you accountable, and that’s what I intend to do.”
“Make me!”
With the end of Brat Summer and the dawn of Brat Fall, it’s high time to educate the world about brat play in BDSM. Being a brat is similar to what it sounds like, but in this guide to BDSM brats and brat taming we’ll dive into some of the nuances and complexities that other online resources often ignore. We’ll also continue the brat scene example drawn from real experiences that we started above.
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“Start by pulling magic out of your fingers…”
—“The Invisible Toybox: Incorporating Energy Work into BDSM,” Raven Kaldera
If you’ve been exploring BDSM for any length of time, you’ve undoubtedly stumbled across references to BDSM energy play, sex magic, and the like. A quick online search conjures up workshops on “exploring energy play in kink,” guides on using sex magic to “manifest positive life energy,” and D/s classes on “conscious energy flow, power exchange, and feeding.” But what does any of this mean? In this post, we’ll translate these mystical concepts into plain facts.
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“How do you find a long-term partner who is into kink?”; “Having a hard time dating/finding a partner”; “Are respectful, long-term relationships likely or even possible between a dom and a sub?” These are just a few of the many posts on BDSM forums from people who are struggling to find a long-term, monogamous BDSM relationship.
Estimates vary, but according to some studies, nearly 35 percent of adults have engaged in BDSM, and over half have fantasized about it. Further, the vast majority of adults are monogamous. Given these stats, why does it seem to be so difficult for monogamous kinksters to find long-term relationships? One possible reason is that they’re looking in the wrong places.
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About 10 years ago, I became single after a very long relationship and decided it was time to explore my kinky interests in the New York City BDSM scene. As a very introverted 30-something single man, I knew it wouldn’t be easy for me. I was aware that more straight men than women often attend BDSM events, and I had very little experience with BDSM. I wasn’t even sure exactly what I was interested in. I was curious about domination but also enjoyed certain types of “masochism.” Where to begin?
For my first solo mission, I decided to go to a “munch,” an informal plainclothes hangout of kinky people. I came up with a strategy that led me to a series of kinky successes and might work for you, too.
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