How to Be a Submissive in BDSM: A Beginner’s Guide

Woman in lacy bra with her wrists in cuffs

If you get turned on by being told what to do in bed, obeying your partner’s commands, or being erotically humiliated, it’s possible you’re a submissive. This is the flip side of the D/s coin, or the “right side of the slash.” Whereas dominants guide the scenes and set the rules, submissives follow their lead. But, like follows in dance, submissives are responsible for maintaining their own frame and balance, making the entire D/s scene and dynamic possible.

Welcome to Part 2 of our complete guide to D/s, where we’ll be exploring all the ins and outs of being a BDSM submissive. (In Part 1, we did a deep dive into dominance.). In this post, we cover:

What healthy submission is (and isn’t)
How to know if you’re submissive
Common submissive archetypes
How to express submission
Practical exercises to build your submissive presence
Overcoming common submissive barriers
Warning signs of unhealthy submissive behaviors
Next steps and resources

What Is Healthy Submission? (And What It Isn’t)

In BDSM, a submissive actively decides to give up control to a dominant because it gives them pleasure to do so. However, just because subs aren’t in charge, doesn’t mean they’re weak or passive—quite the opposite. Healthy submission requires inner strength, self-awareness, and vulnerability. You need to understand what you want—and don’t want—from a scene or dynamic and be able to confidently communicate that to your partner. That said, we don’t want to perpetuate the common trope that subs have the ultimate power in D/s. In reality, both doms and subs have control in a healthy D/s dynamic. Without a dominant, there’s nothing for a sub to submit to, and without a sub, there’s nothing for a dom to dominate.

Unhealthy submission can be exacerbated by low self-esteem. At a particularly bad point in Mimsy’s life, she engaged in D/s with someone who didn’t treat her well, but she kept seeking it out because it fed into the negative feelings she had about herself at the time. If you feel like shit, it’s easy to fall prey to an inner monologue that tells you you deserve to be treated like shit. Submission shouldn’t be used to reinforce a poor self-image, though. Healthy submission should be an act of rewarding play, not a confirmation of self-perceived inadequacy.

How Do You Know If You’re a Submissive?

So, how can you tell if you’re a sub? Many kinksters report that they’ve “always known,” but this isn’t the case for everyone. Mimsy was a late bloomer and didn’t realize she was a sub until she was in her 30s. Once she understood her desires, however, submission came very naturally. As with dominance, the science is far from settled on whether being submissive is inherent or learned. Think about your fantasies, and if you answer “yes” to some of the following questions, you might be a sub.

Are my sexual fantasies centered on giving up control both mentally and physically? Do I get aroused by the idea of being told what to do, following commands, receiving pain, being erotically humiliated, or allowing a partner to direct what happens sexually? Does giving up control make me feel a sense of freedom?
Does a dominant touch or tone of voice turn me on? Do I get weak in the knees when a partner takes charge either through a firm touch, a commanding tone, or dominant eye contact?
Do I have a deep desire to please my partner? Am I turned on by the idea of serving, pleasing, and earning the praise of my partner?
Am I drawn to structure and praise? Do I derive a deep satisfaction or excitement from having clear rules to follow and being rewarded for following them well?

Just as being dominant in BDSM doesn’t mean you’re dominant in other areas of life, identifying as submissive in a BDSM context doesn’t mean you’re submissive otherwise. It’s quite common for high-powered professionals (like Mimsy) to seek a submissive role. It’s enjoyable to get a break from decision-making responsibilities in the bedroom and let someone else call the shots. For Mimsy, giving up control is a core desire, and every other BDSM activity—impact, bondage, etc.—is in service of the mental aspects of D/s.

We also want to note that you don’t have to be submissive all the time in bed. Many couples and play partners are switches, meaning they may entirely switch D/s roles between scenes, or sometimes even mid-scene.

Finding Your Style: 6 Common BDSM Submissive Archetypes

Just as there’s no single way to do BDSM, there’s no one way to be a submissive. Understanding some common archetypes can give you a sense of the range of possibilities, but they aren’t prescriptive categories.

The Service Sub: Enjoys showing devotion and submission through acts of service that give their dom pleasure. Sexually speaking, a service sub may give their dom massages, model sexy clothes for them, talk dirty, serve them sexually, or follow certain established protocols and rituals. They’re often proactive and anticipate their dom’s needs.
The Masochist: Wants to experience and process intense physical sensation as a route to pleasure and subspace (a release of endorphins and other neurochemicals that creates a feeling akin to a runner’s high). Contrary to popular belief, not all masochists find pain pleasurable, but rather derive satisfaction from enduring intense sensation for their dom or to gain catharsis.
The Praiseseeker: Thrives on pleasing their dom, following rules, and earning praise for doing so perfectly. The praiseseeker’s biggest reward is being told they’re “good.”
The Brat: Loves to playfully challenge their dom’s authority, test boundaries, and be “put in their place.” They don’t want to win the power struggle; they want to enjoy the struggle itself.
The Little/Middle: Mimics a young child’s or teenager’s headspace to escape the pressures of adult life and be cared for. Littles and middles seek safety, comfort, and nurturing.
The Pet: Enjoys entering the primal, often non-verbal, headspace of a specific animal (kitten, puppy, pony, etc.) as a form of deep mental escape. Pets express submission by embodying the animal’s loyalty, playfulness, or obedience.

This is not an exhaustive list, and there’s no need to try to label yourself. Although Mimsy relates to some aspects of the service sub and praiseseeker archetypes, she doesn’t call herself either of those things. Ultimately, what matters most is that your style of submission feels authentic to you and meshes well with your partner’s style of dominance.

How to Express Submission: Methods and Skills

Just as dominants have tools to express their power, submissives have skills and methods to convey their surrender. Submission is not passive—it’s active and responsive. Here are some key ways subs express their submission:

Psychological and Verbal—Obeying and Actively Communicating: Follow commands promptly and correctly, ask for permission, and use honorifics (if they’re part of the dynamic). Actively communicate by describing sensations, expressing pleasure, and using safewords to manage the scene’s intensity.
Receiving Impact and Sensation: Actively “present” your body for impact (e.g., lie across the dom’s lap to receive a spanking). Process pain and sensations mentally and communicate limits clearly if things get too intense. Maintain the appropriate amount of tension in your body (i.e., if you’re too stiff, impact can hurt more).
Responding to Restraint: If you’re tied, cuffed, or otherwise restrained, communicate clearly about anything that’s too tight or if you notice tingling or loss of sensation. To communicate pleasure non-verbally, you can create controlled tension against the ropes or restraints. Arching your back, flexing into your bonds, or pulling them taut are natural, communicative responses as you build toward orgasm. To mimic struggle (if you’re doing a consensual non-consent scene), act as if you’re trying to get out of the restraints.
Engaging with Ritual and Objects: Put on a collar or specific outfit that symbolizes submission, if this is part of your dynamic. This can help you enter a submissive headspace and indicate that you’re ready to play your part. You might also engage with objects as an act of service—for example, polishing your dom’s boots or presenting them with a flogger or other implement you want them to use on you. After a scene, put any implements away with care. For instance, if you used rope, coil it neatly rather than leaving it in a tangled mess (Mimsy is guilty of this one—oops!).

5 Practical Exercises to Build Your Submissive Presence

Here are some mental and physical preparation techniques that can help you hone your submissive skills.

Educating Yourself: All BDSM players—doms, subs, and switches—should educate themselves about the core pillars of BDSM (consent, communication, and negotiation). When it comes to learning about the techniques involved in various BDSM activities (choking, slapping, punching, spanking, rope bondage, etc.), it may seem like doms should do the heavy lifting in terms of research, but subs need to educate themselves about these activities as well so they know the difference between proper and improper technique and can communicate clearly about it. Early in the relationship, Vagabond tied Mimsy’s legs apart with rope around her thighs. Had she known more about nerve damage, she would have realized that the numbness she began to experience after a while was a bad sign. Unfortunately, she didn’t know what to look for and ended up losing sensation in the tops of her thighs for about a week. We both educated ourselves very quickly after that!
Journaling: Keep a journal as a way to explore your desires and understand your submissive style. Focus your writing with prompts like these:
- What does my body feel like when I think about surrendering?
- What acts of service would feel most fulfilling to me?
- What expressions of praise would I most like to hear?
- What does wearing a collar symbolize to me?
Pre-Scene Stretching: Before a scene, especially one involving impact or restraint, spend a few minutes doing some gentle, dynamic stretches. Focus on areas of your body that you might use most in the scene: hamstrings (for bending over), hip flexors (for kneeling or spreading your legs), shoulders (for bondage), and your lower back.
Post-Scene Communication: After each scene, let your partner know what felt good, what didn’t, and what you want to do more or less of.
Practicing With Your Partner: Casually experimenting with a new technique or phrase out-of-scene is a fun way to learn and connect with your partner. Practicing in a low-pressure atmosphere makes giving and receiving feedback feel natural and fun.

Overcoming Common Submissive Barriers

There are a number of mental roadblocks that can cause submissives to second-guess themselves. Here are some key barriers and how to move past them.

Remembering to Prioritize Yourself

As a sub, your instinct may be to put your partner’s needs before your own. But just as you’re instructed on a plane to put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others, subs must look after themselves before tending to anyone else. BDSM educator and “slave” Mollena Williams-Haas sums up this concept beautifully: “It is the primary responsibility of the slave to protect the master’s property at all times, up to and including protecting the property from their master.” This applies to any kind of D/s dynamic—and life in general.

Fear of Using Safewords and Setting Limits

There are countless stories about unwitting subs who are approached by “doms” who insist on no limits or safewords. No matter how experienced these people claim to be, these are unacceptable demands. Everyone has limits, so you should never feel bad for expressing and standing by yours. Similarly, you shouldn’t allow a scene to continue just because you’re afraid to safeword. Imagine the guilt your dom would feel if they find out later that you wanted to stop a scene but didn’t. Not safewording when you should have isn’t doing either you or the dom any favors. It just erodes trust.

Avoiding Comparisons

In the age of online communities, it’s easy to see other D/s dynamics and feel that yours doesn’t measure up. You might see subs in 24/7 dynamics, performing intense acts of service, or engaging in extreme play and then feel like your desire for a bedroom-only dynamic or something less intense is somehow less valid or not really submissive. This is not the case. Power exchange is about one person (the submissive) giving up control to another (the dominant). It’s up to each couple to negotiate the amount of control that’s exchanged when and for how long, but the timeframe of the exchange doesn’t alter the roles that are involved. In other words, you do you.

Understanding Fantasy vs. Reality

You don’t need to act submissive all the time to be a sub in BDSM. D/s is ultimately a form of role-play even if you aren’t acting out specific role-play characters (boss/secretary, pirate/captive, etc.). And, like all role-play, D/s is a fantasy. Being someone’s live-in slave might sound appealing in fantasy land, but it would get in the way of real-life responsibilities like having a job, going to school, taking care of children, or seeing relatives and friends. It’s important to remember that your dom isn’t truly in control of you (and if they are controlling you against your will, that’s abuse).

Recognizing and Avoiding Sub Frenzy

Sub frenzy is a mindset that new subs sometimes experience that involves seeking out as many kinky experiences as fast as possible, often at the expense of personal safety. Sub frenzy is dangerous because it can cloud your judgment and make you less risk averse than you would be normally. If you find yourself tempted to engage in a parade of weekly kinks you never imagined yourself doing, slow down and consider the mental and physical risks. BDSM isn’t a finite resource that will run out if you don’t grab it all as fast as possible.

Understanding and Managing Sub Drop

“Drop” in BDSM refers to feelings akin to depression that can occur after a scene, similar to the psychological depletion athletes feel (“post-competition blues”) or everyone feels after an exciting event. The specific causes are complex and hard to predict, but if it happens to you, just remember it’s a temporary feeling. If you experience sub drop regularly, it might be worth considering whether your aftercare needs are being met and if there’s something your partner can do to help stave off the blues.

Moving Past Post-Scene Guilt or Shame

Another reason you might feel post-scene blues is unresolved feelings about how your moral conditioning aligns with your kinky desires. Subs may wonder what it says about their character that they enjoy giving up control or experiencing pain. Mimsy struggled with this at the beginning of her kink journey and had a hard time reconciling her sexual desires with her feminist ideals. If these feelings arise, it’s important to remember that what you do in the bedroom doesn’t necessarily reflect your attitudes outside the bedroom. For instance, just because Mimsy enjoys being called a whore in bed doesn’t mean she would want a random person calling her that in another context! For many kinksters, the thrill lies in demolishing such taboos in a deliberate, safe way that releases them from the rules they live by every day.

Warning Signs of Unhealthy Submissive Behaviors

When it comes to bad actors in BDSM, most of the focus is on doms because they can use their relative position of authority to cover for unacceptable behavior. This doesn’t mean there aren’t bad or unhealthy subs, though. For doms looking for a partner, or for subs doing a self-check, recognizing these unhealthy patterns is crucial for avoiding frustration and harm:

The Reckless Sub

This type of sub romanticizes danger and sees safety protocols as annoying obstacles to their fantasy.

Has trouble separating fantasy from reality.
Claims to be “limitless” or won’t use safewords.
Dismisses the importance of negotiation, saying they “want to be surprised.”
Shows no interest in learning about BDSM safety, risk profiles, or aftercare.
May actively try to push past agreed-upon boundaries.

The Unrealistic Sub

This person has unrealistic expectations of what their dominant should do for them.

Expects their dom to fix their trauma, career, or finances.
Treats their dom like a therapist, constantly offloading emotional baggage.
Shows little to no interest in the dom’s own desires, limits, or satisfaction.
Has a checklist of kinks they expect to have fulfilled without regard for building a genuine connection.
Gets angry or upset when the dom isn’t in the mood or has a limit that conflicts with one of their desires.

The Manipulative Sub

This type of submissive uses their role to shield emotionally manipulative or abusive behavior.

Engages in weaponized incompetence, using their role as an excuse for not handling real-world responsibilities.
Uses guilt-tripping to control the dom’s behavior (e.g., “If you don’t punish me, you must not care about me”).

What should you do if you suspect you’re exhibiting any of these behaviors? First of all, don’t worry—recognizing an unhealthy tendency doesn’t mean you can’t change it. Next, reflect honestly. Ask yourself: Was I dishonest about my feelings or reactions? Did I fail to communicate a boundary clearly? Did I place unrealistic expectations on my partner to fix me or serve my every need?

If the answer to any of these is yes, the key is to own it. Everyone makes mistakes on their kink journey, especially when navigating intense emotions. Growth comes from recognizing a lapse in judgment, not from being perfect. If your actions impacted your partner, take responsibility, apologize, and discuss how to build a healthier dynamic going forward.

Next Steps in Your Journey as a Sub

Every experienced submissive started in the exact same place you are now—curious, maybe a little nervous, but excited by the possibilities of letting go. Remember that submission isn’t about being flawless or perfectly obedient. It’s about embracing vulnerability to find fulfillment and freedom through trust and communication. Take your time, honor your limits, and be safe as you explore everything this part of yourself has to offer.