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How to Negotiate the Kinky Sex of Your Dreams with the One You Love

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Man and woman on bed together smiling at each other.

If you’ve spent more than a few minutes researching BDSM, you know that negotiation, or the process of deciding what will and will not happen in a scene, is one of the cornerstones. Much has been written about how to negotiate before a scene with a new play partner. Tools, from worksheets to checklists to illustrated guides, abound to help you cover all the bases and inspire you to dream up new fantasies. Here’s how to take those negotiation skills and weave them into the fabric of your relationship. (more…)

The Only Kinky Movies You’ll Ever Need to See

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Scene from the movie Belle de Jour in which Catherine Deneuve's wrists are bound with rope while a man kisses her neck.
Belle de Jour

Originally posted on August 5, 2018; updated on January 5, 2019

In recent years, there have been a slew of lists in mainstream media (usually timed with the release of yet another 50 Shades movie) identifying “the best BDSM movies” or movies that “do BDSM better than 50 Shades” (a pretty low bar, if you ask us). But do these roundups really represent the best kinky movies?

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Sex Shouldn’t Hurt—Unless You Want It To: Living with Vulvar Pain

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woman in underwear holding two signs--a frown emoji and SOS

One day in the summer of 2004, I woke up with what I thought was a UTI. I’d had them before and detected the tell-tale burning sensation. I made an appointment with my gynecologist. Little did I know that this would be the beginning of a condition I’d never even heard of but that would leave me in chronic pain for years to come: vulvodynia.

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Rope Roundup

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We fell in love with rope bondage at the beginning of our relationship, and it’s still a pivotal part of our play today. Not unlike wine connoisseurs, rope enthusiasts can be opinionated snobs, and we’re no different. The following guide is a breakdown of the pros and cons of the myriad types of rope on the market for bondage from the perspective of the rope bottom and the rigger. We’ve discovered that there is no perfect rope for everything; there are always trade-offs. So whether you’re a masochist who loves suspension, or just want an upgrade from your faux fur restraints, we recommend you keep a few of the following ropes at the ready.  (more…)

I’m Not a Slut, but I Play One in Bed

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Sign that says "I Am Not a Slut" but "Not" is crossed out
We may earn a small commission (at no additional cost to you) from Amazon if you make a purchase via the link included in this post.

Slut, whore, cunt, bitch—what do these words have in common? If your answer is “degrading terms typically used to describe women,” you’d be correct. But if you said “names that Mimsy likes to be called in bed,” you’d also be right. So how is it that words I find highly offensive outside the bedroom are unbelievably hot in it? Welcome to the world of erotic humiliation. (more…)

Never Fucking Satisfied (Or Vice Versa): A Kinkster at a Swinger Party

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One fruit meant to symbolize a vagina surrounded by other arrangements of fruit and vegetables meant to resemble penises and testicles.

In the following true story, the names have been changed but the dicks are real.

“What exactly is a ‘fun’ swinger party to you? Sucked off 9 times and fucked by 14 people??” a friend texted me. I had just described my evening at a hotel swinger party, an experience that would be a fulfilling sexual adventure by many people’s standards.

“I think I’m just not a swinger,” I replied. (more…)

BDSM Is a Place We Go

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Doors opening to a dramatic view of a lush valley with mountains in the background.

“Sex isn’t something you do; it’s a place you go.” —Esther Perel, Couples Therapist and Author

In my past long-term vanilla relationships, the sex and desire always faded, and in some cases dwindled to almost nothing, usually around the same time the guy and I moved in together. There were myriad reasons for this: physical ailments, depression, lack of communication, mismatched libidos, lack of true chemistry. But the heart of the matter was, well, the heart. The familiarity and affectionate routines that inevitably developed over time, and were enhanced by living together, encroached on eroticism and eventually smothered it. Metaphorically, sex wasn’t a place we went because there was nowhere to go. The people we were during sex were the same people we were in the rest of life. Sex wasn’t a departure from ourselves; it was merely a continuation. (more…)

SSC vs. RACK: What’s the Difference, and Does It Matter?

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Wooden blocks stacked on top of each other spelling the word "Risk"

“I am a Dom (switch) and my sub has requested that I drug them and play with/use/have sex with them while they are asleep or near-asleep, in a drugged state. I’m wary . . . but I’d definitely try it if there was a guaranteed safe way of
doing this. . .” —Reddit

Early in our BDSM journeys, we both strongly connected with the popular mantra of practicing Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC) kink. We interpreted this abbreviation to mean that BDSM has an advantage over vanilla sex because of the deliberate acknowledgment of safety between partners.

When we first noticed people replacing it with Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK), we were skeptical. The contrast seemed unnecessary, so we imagined these groups just wanted an edgier tagline—”We’re not safe or sane. We’re risky kinksters!” But once we started looking into the history of both abbreviations, we started to feel differently. (more…)

The Power of Consent

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Sign reading "Teach Consent"

On the eve of Supreme Court Justice nominee Brett Kavanaugh’s hearing in which Christine Blasey Ford would deliver wrenching testimony about how Kavanaugh sexually assaulted her in high school, my partner, Vagabond, tied me up, hit me, slapped me in the face, called me a slut and a whore, and fucked my brains out. I loved every second of it and all of our BDSM scenes. How? Consent. (more…)

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