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“Please, Sir, Make It Hurt…Less”: On Being a Reluctant Masochist

Woman bent over on bed being smacked with a riding crop.

One of my first truly kinky experiences was with a guy who bent me over on his couch, lifted up my dress, and spanked me until my ass was red and bruised. I didn’t want him to stop, but was it because I got off on pain or was it because it made me feel submissive?

It would take me some time to answer that question. While the same guy spanked me during future encounters, it was never with the intensity of that first time. It was simply an accompaniment to other activities, so I didn’t get a clear sense of what I liked about it. (more…)

Benign Masochism

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This weekend, we attended Shay Tiziano’s virtual class “Stand Back—I’m Going to Try Science!” as part of Ropecraft’s Homebound conference. Shay is one of our BDSM heroes and loves to geek out on the science of kink.

One of the most interesting tidbits in this class was related to benign masochism. This refers to experiences that our brains perceive as negative at first, but that we come to enjoy once we realize they pose no real danger. Examples include eating spicy food, riding rollercoasters, and watching horror movies.

It may come as no surprise that many kinky people derive more pleasure out of such activities than vanilla people. Shay even did a poll in the class asking participants to rate their enjoyment of beer, unsweetened coffee, thrill rides, sad movies, massage pain, squeezing pimples, spicy food, and a few other things. At the end of the class, she showed how our results compared with the population at large, and we kinky folk liked all of these things way more. This was true for me as well, even though I don’t really consider myself to be a masochist when it comes to BDSM.

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About CNC But Were Afraid to Ask

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Originally posted on September 25, 2018; updated on November 2, 2019

Man's arms pinning woman's arms to a wall

When I first started getting in touch with my kinky side, I became obsessed with consensual nonconsent (CNC)—also known as rape or ravishment fantasies—as a way to lose control. By obsessed I mean I thought about it daily, researched it constantly, and knew it was something I needed to do. I started reading Casual Encounters on Craigslist regularly (back when that section still existed) to see what my options might be. Ultimately I was too scared to go that route, though, and it wasn’t until I met Vagabond that I was able to make my dream come true. (more…)

10 Myths about BDSM

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A unicorn labeled "myth" next to a rhino labeled "reality"

It’s easy to get a lot of things wrong about BDSM if you learn about it from pop culture, fashion magazines, and most of the top sites on the Internet. When Mimsy was new to BDSM, her education at Google University led her to wonder if there was a place for her in the community as a bedroom-only D/s enthusiast because it seemed like the scene was meant only for 24/7 lifestylers. When Vagabond was starting out, he thought BDSM was all about S/M, impact, and role playing and didn’t discover D/s until later. Over time, we separated the BDSM myths and misconceptions from the reality, and now we hope others can learn from our mistakes.

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The Only Kinky Movies You’ll Ever Need to See

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Scene from the movie Belle de Jour in which Catherine Deneuve's wrists are bound with rope while a man kisses her neck.
Belle de Jour

Originally posted on August 5, 2018; updated on January 5, 2019

In recent years, there have been a slew of lists in mainstream media (usually timed with the release of yet another 50 Shades movie) identifying “the best BDSM movies” or movies that “do BDSM better than 50 Shades” (a pretty low bar, if you ask us). But do these roundups really represent the best kinky movies?

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Rope Roundup

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We fell in love with rope bondage at the beginning of our relationship, and it’s still a pivotal part of our play today. Not unlike wine connoisseurs, rope enthusiasts can be opinionated snobs, and we’re no different. The following guide is a breakdown of the pros and cons of the myriad types of rope on the market for bondage from the perspective of the rope bottom and the rigger. We’ve discovered that there is no perfect rope for everything; there are always trade-offs. So whether you’re a masochist who loves suspension, or just want an upgrade from your faux fur restraints, we recommend you keep a few of the following ropes at the ready.  (more…)

About Us

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We’re a monogamous, feminist couple with kids in our 40s who practice BDSM in the bedroom and in the scene. We started Bound Together because we thought our experiences and ideas about kink might be of interest to others who are either in a similar boat or who are just curious.

A little about us . . .
Mimsy Borogoves

I’m a heterosexual submissive cis woman who followed a long and circuitous path to BDSM. Although I had an inkling I was kinky in my early 20s, I didn’t have the vocabulary to describe it or the wherewithal to truly explore those feelings until much later, after being in a series of vanilla relationships, including a marriage. In my late 30s, I realized that something was missing and began seeking kinky encounters. I quickly decided there was no going back.

Vagabond

I’m a heterosexual cis man. As a kid, I fantasized about bound women, and electrocuted myself with medical equipment, but I didn’t understand I was kinky until the end of my marriage. My first Internet date was at age 35 and landed me at a surreal BDSM yacht party. After years of “research and development” of BDSM and relationship styles, I discovered that I’m dominant, monogamous, and just a little bit of a masochist.

Our Relationship

We met on a vanilla dating app in 2016. Vagabond had “kinky” in his profile, which caught Mimsy’s eye. We had amazing chemistry from the start and it didn’t take us long to realize we wanted to be together for the long haul. We live together in New York City and have Vagabond’s two children with us half the time. We both have full-time jobs that often require us to work overtime, so we’re active in the kink scene, but only as much as our schedules allow. We have a D/s dynamic in the bedroom, and our play often involves rope bondage, impact, degradation, knife play, and CNC. 

Our Vision

The majority of BDSM blogs that we’ve encountered are written by people who live the lifestyle 24/7, which can make it seem like this is the only way people participate in BDSM. In reality, however, most kinksters are not in the “scene” or role playing all the time. We started Bound Together to give voice to the vast majority of BDSM players who, like us, are super kinky, but only in the bedroom.

Our perspective on BDSM is also informed by our ardent feminism. Although we are a male dominant and a female submissive, we do not subscribe to any so-called “natural order” gender roles that support patriarchal constructs. For us, BDSM is an escape from our vanilla responsibilities and roles, not a reflection of misogyny. 

Bound Together

One couple’s insights into BDSM. About us.






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