How to be a Dominant in BDSM: A Beginner’s Guide

Man in a suit slapping a riding crop against his palm

Ever felt the pull to take charge in the bedroom? To be the one who guides the experience, sets the rules, and is responsible for your partner’s pleasure and surrender? You might have a dominant inside you waiting to come out.

Among all the facets of BDSM (bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism), dominance and submission (D/s) is arguably the most widely practiced, and it’s easy to see why. Giving and taking control (power exchange) doesn’t require fancy toys or gear—it’s mental. And while it may seem simple, doing it well takes more than instinct.

Welcome to Part 1 of our complete guide to D/s. To kick off this series, we’re doing a deep dive into the left side of the slash to explore the dominant mindset. We cover:

What is healthy dominance? (and what it isn’t)
How do you know if you’re a dominant?
5 common BDSM dominant archetypes
How to express dominance: methods and skills
5 practical exercises to build your dominant presence
Overcoming common dominant barriers
Red flags: How to spot (and avoid being) a “bad dom”
Next steps in your journey as a dominant
Recommended reading and resources

What Is Healthy Dominance? (and What It Isn’t)

In BDSM, a dominant takes the lead by setting rules, giving direction, or guiding what happens, while the submissive follows their lead. But dominance is about more than just taking control. As the famous Spider-Man adage goes, “With great power comes great responsibility.” Healthy dominance is grounded in empathy, responsibility, communication, and consent. Being dominant is not the same as being domineering.

Being dominant involves taking control consensually in a way that is negotiated, respectful, and responsive to the submissive’s needs and boundaries.
Being domineering involves imposing control without consent or consideration, disregarding the sub’s comfort, limits, or autonomy. This is coercive and abusive, and is not part of ethical BDSM.

How Do You Know If You’re a DomINANT?

So, how do you know if you’re a dom? Just like other aspects of sexuality, many doms report that they’ve “always known,” but for Vagabond it was a bit more complex. He always had fantasies of taking control, but didn’t feel open enough with a partner to fully try it until he was 35. Still, the science is far from settled on whether being dominant (or submissive) is inherent or learned. Think about your fantasies, and if you answer “yes” to some of the following questions, then you might be a dom.

Are my sexual fantasies centered on control? Do I get aroused by daydreams where I’m the one in charge—giving commands, making decisions, and orchestrating the experience for my partner?
Is taking responsibility for a partner’s experience a turn-on? Beyond “calling the shots,” does the idea of being responsible for a partner’s pleasure, safety, and emotional journey during a scene feel satisfying and arousing?
Does a partner’s submission excite me? Do I find the act of a partner willingly giving up control—following my rules, accepting my guidance, or offering themselves to me—to be a powerful turn-on?
Am I drawn to providing structure and seeing my partner obey? Do I derive a deep satisfaction or excitement in creating a set of rules, protocols, or a specific structure for an encounter and watching a partner embrace it?

The idea that being a dom in BDSM means you’re dominant in other areas of life is a persistent and inaccurate stereotype. While some doms, like Vagabond, are leaders in their professional fields, the nature of that power is fundamentally different. Vagabond’s dominant bedroom role is a release from the chaos of management, because only in fantasy can his commands be greedily obeyed or resolved with rope and a spanking. Conversely, it’s just as common, if not more so, for high-powered professionals to seek the submissive role. Mimsy enjoys retreating from her leadership responsibilities at work into the sanctuary of surrender in the bedroom.

We also want to note the difference between a dom and a so-called service top. A dom engages in power exchange, whereas a service top agrees to top their partner to please them. This may involve performing actions or providing sensations (like spanking or bondage) without taking control mentally. That said, the lines between these categories can be fuzzy because being an effective dom involves pleasing your sub. As BDSM expert Julie Fennell has said, “Good doms have to have a good understanding of what their submissives want and give it to them regularly in order to keep them around.”

Finally, you don’t have to be dominant all the time. Many couples and play partners are switches, meaning they may entirely switch D/s roles between scenes, or sometimes even mid-scene.

FINDING YOUR STYLE: 5 COMMON BDSM Dominant Archetypes

Just as there’s no single way to do BDSM, there’s no one way to be a dominant. Your personal style will likely evolve as you explore with partners. However, understanding some common archetypes can provide a map for your future fantasies and a language for communicating your desires. The following categories can provide inspiration, but aren’t necessarily boxes to fit into.

The Disciplinarian: Finds satisfaction in setting rules, correcting behavior, and guiding a partner toward absolution or improvement through structure and consequence. This is a common play style for spankos and kinksters who are into high protocol and role-play.
The Caregiver: Expresses dominance through protective guidance and creating a safe space for a submissive to surrender and be vulnerable. This is the foundation for “mommy/daddy dom” dynamics (and DD/lg and MD/lb communities), where nurturing, affection, and control are intertwined.
The Ravisher: The dominant wields intense desire for their partner into unrelenting force, making them feel completely and utterly wanted, owned, and consumed. This play style tends to require safewords besides “no” or “stop,” and is the domain of consensual non-consent (CNC).
The Tamer: This lightly switchy play style tempts the submissive to break rules so the dominant can revel in overcoming their resistance. This “brat tamer” enjoys the (perhaps somewhat masochistic) playful physical or psychological challenge of a partner who intentionally “misbehaves.”
The Sadist: Enjoys crafting intense experiences of physical or psychological pressure, pushing boundaries with focus, precision, and care. These doms often use Master, Mistress, or Dominatrix as honorifics.

This is by no means an exhaustive list, and there’s no need to try to label yourself or conform to any particular archetype. You can mix and match or create your own style. Ultimately, what matters most is that your brand of dominance feels authentic to you and works well for your partner.

How to Express Dominance: Methods and Skills

Many submissives will tell you that a well spoken “look me in the eyes” is a more powerful expression of dominance than any spanking. Here are the primary ways dominants express their power:

Psychological and Verbal: The most important skill for a dominant is using words to command, praise, degrade, play mind games, and exert psychological pressure to shape the submissive’s experience.
Impact and Sensation: Use implements (whips, paddles, floggers, etc.) or hands to create a spectrum of physical sensations, from a light sting to a deep thud.
Restraint and Control: Use rope, cuffs, or one’s own body to control a partner’s movement, creating feelings of helplessness, anticipation, and surrender.
Fetish and Object Focus: Center the power dynamic on specific clothing (leather, latex), objects, or scenarios that hold inherent erotic charge for the dom, the sub, or both.

5 Practical Exercises to Build Your Dominant Presence

Regardless of whether dominance feels completely natural to you or a bit of a stretch, there are some mental and physical preparation techniques that can help you hone your dominant skills.

Pre-Scene Visualization: Visualize the scene from start to finish, imagining yourself taking the lead confidently and calmly. Picture each interaction with your partner: setting rules, giving instructions, monitoring safety, and responding to unexpected moments. Imagine maintaining calm authority and being attuned to your partner’s limits and reactions.
“Command Voice” Practice: Choose a short, simple command (“Kneel,” “Hold still,” “Look at me,” etc.). Practice saying it aloud with different tones: calm and firm, playful but authoritative, or slow and deliberate. Record yourself and listen for clarity and confidence. Gradually add complexity by stringing together multiple instructions. If you hear yourself raising your voice, take it down a notch. Yelling isn’t dominant or sexy; it’s just loud.
Post-Scene Listening: After each scene, ask your partner for detailed feedback: what felt good, what didn’t, what they want to do more or less of. Take mental notes and brainstorm ways to integrate their feedback into future scenes. Note that you don’t need to incorporate everything into the next scene. It’s fun to tuck some ideas away and use them at a much later date when your partner might not expect it.
Testing Implements on Yourself: If you plan to use implements (paddles, whips, restraints, etc.), try them on yourself first to feel the sensation, weight, and impact. Obviously, you can’t effectively hit yourself with a flogger exactly as you would hit your partner, but you can get a feel for how thuddy or stingy it is, and learn what it feels like if you “wrap” a whip by mistake (which is way more painful than it sounds!). Similarly, you can practice single- and double-column ties on your legs to feel different types of rope. Other kinds of implements, like bear claws or Wartenberg wheels, are easy to use on yourself exactly as you would on someone else.
Practice With Your Partner: Casually experimenting with a new technique or phrase out-of-scene is a fun and flirty way to build skills and connect with your partner. A lighter, more casual atmosphere allows for continuous feedback and gives you the space to say something you’re not sure is hot or cringe. For example, in a disciplinarian dynamic, Vagabond tested the phrase, “Did you learn your lesson?” His partner, who would never have corrected his speech during a scene, explained that asking, rather than confidently asserting, undermined his domly authority. Lesson learned!

Overcoming Common Dominant Barriers

There are a number of mental roadblocks that can cause dominants to second guess themselves.

Understanding and Managing Dom Drop

“Drop” in BDSM refers to feelings akin to depression that can occur after a scene, similar to the psychological depletion athletes feel (“post-competition blues”) or everyone feels after an exciting event. It’s more often associated with subs (sub drop), but it’s likely just as common for doms (top/dom drop). The specific causes are complex and hard to predict, but if it happens to you, it’s important to remember it’s a temporary feeling. If you experience dom drop regularly, it might be worth considering whether your aftercare needs are being met and if there’s something your partner can do to help stave off the blues.

Moving Past Post-Scene Guilt

Another reason you might feel post-scene blues is unresolved feelings about how your moral conditioning comports with your darker desires. Doms specifically may wonder what it says about their character that they enjoy taking someone’s control or inflicting pain. If these feelings arise, it’s important to remember that the joy you get from these activities is based on mutual satisfaction with an enthusiastically consenting sub. Again, it’s important to discuss your feelings with your partner during the post-scene listening part of aftercare, and affirm “out of scene” that your intentions are to fulfill each other’s desires.

Overcoming the Fear of Making Mistakes

Because doms are expected to lead, they may feel pressure to know exactly what they’re doing every step of the way, but this isn’t realistic. Doms aren’t superhuman omniscient beings; they make mistakes like everyone else. While education and practice can go a long way toward preventing embarrassing fumbles, missteps are inevitable. To minimize their impact:

Play within your skill level: Be honest with yourself and your partner about what you’ve mastered, and don’t try anything unpracticed during a scene.
Be prepared: Keep barriers, lube, towels for messes, and first aid gear at the ready. If you don’t have access to safety shears, it’s not the time for rope.
Have a backup plan: You never need to sweat a broken toy, a fumbled knot, or an idea that you had that your partner just doesn’t like. Keep a tool-free backup idea in your back pocket; your partner will appreciate your adaptability as much or more than your flawless execution.

Understanding Fantasy vs. Reality

You don’t need to be “on” all the time to be a dom. D/s is ultimately a form of role-play even if you aren’t acting out specific role-play characters (boss/secretary, pirate/captive, etc.). And, like all role-play, D/s is a fantasy. You aren’t truly in control of someone else—but it’s fun to pretend you are until you need to return to real-world responsibilities.

Navigating Mismatched Desires and play Styles

Differences in play style preferences are common, and navigating them requires creativity and care. For instance, Vagabond initially felt uncomfortable with misogynistic dirty talk, and had difficulty satisfying Mimsy’s submissive desire to be called a whore. Vagabond mentally reframed his performance of erotic slut shaming as an expression of dominant desire, so despite this ostensible incompatibility, they found a hot and copasetic compromise.

Red FLags: How to Spot (and Avoid Being) a “Bad Dom”

To the outside world, BDSM is often presented as a self-policing community that values consent above all else and immediately ejects bad actors. While this is true in theory, it doesn’t always hold up in practice. The BDSM community is a microcosm of society at large, not a utopia, which means it contains assholes and abusers. Outside of the community, especially on dating apps, these assholes frequently identify as “dominant” as a cover but don’t care about accepted safeguards and best practices. Here are some common warning signs of bad doms:

No Respect for Consent
- Ignores negotiated limits
- Doesn’t believe in safewords or refuses to honor them
- Pushes a sub to do things they aren’t comfortable with
Overly Controlling Outside of Scene
- Tries to dominate every part of a sub’s life without discussion or agreement
- Doesn’t separate role-play from real life

Lack of Communication
- Doesn’t check in before, during, or after scenes
- Avoids discussing boundaries, limits, or aftercare
Ego Over Empathy
- Treats domination as an excuse to bully, belittle, or harm
- Focuses only on their own pleasure, not mutual enjoyment
Inexperienced but Overconfident
- Brags about being an “expert” without showing real knowledge
- Refuses to admit when they don’t know something
- Won’t take feedback
Disregards Safety
- Doesn’t talk about risks or safety protocols
- Uses unsafe practices (e.g., bad rope techniques, ignoring hygiene, improper tool use)
- Won’t practice on themselves or learn proper technique
Gaslighting or Guilt Trips
- Accuses a sub of inauthenticity if they set boundaries
- Shames them for needing aftercare, reassurance, or limits
- Dismisses their feelings when they speak up
Avoids Responsibility
- Refuses to own mistakes or learn from them
- Blames the submissive if something goes wrong
- Doesn’t take the responsibility that comes with holding power

Often, doms who exhibit bad behavior are referred to as “fake doms.” We’ve written at length about this elsewhere, but in short, labeling bad and abusive doms as “fake” is both vague and slippery. It avoids identifying the specific problem behavior and allows the BDSM community to shirk any responsibility for these doms’ actions by painting them as outsiders who don’t play by the rules.

So what should you do if someone accuses you of being a bad dom or you suspect you might be one? Bad doms aren’t necessarily doomed forever—change is possible. The first step is to reflect honestly. Ask yourself: Did I ignore a boundary? Did I fail to check in? Did I prioritize my desires over my partner’s safety? If the answer might be yes, own it. Everyone slips up sometimes—growth comes from recognizing it. If you harmed someone, take responsibility and ask what you can do to make amends. Going forward, educate yourself about the three pillars of ethical BDSM: consent, communication, and negotiation.

Next Steps in Your Journey as a Dominant

Developing your skills as a dominant is an ongoing journey of self-discovery, education, and practice. Every experienced dom started exactly where you are now—curious, perhaps a little nervous, but excited about the possibilities ahead. Remember that dominance isn’t about perfection; it’s about growth, communication, and creating meaningful experiences with consenting partners. Take your time, be safe, and don’t be afraid to experiment.