Beginner BDSM guides often make it seem like filling out extensive negotiation checklists and spreadsheets before playing is an essential step. But do you really need to catalog everything you plan to do in granular detail each and every time you decide to do a scene with someone? Probably not. In this post, we’ll break down the essential questions you need to consider for BDSM scenes whether you’re playing with someone new or a longtime partner.
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As we speed toward 2024, we thought it would be fun to end the year with a roundup of some of the best and weirdest BDSM highlights of 2023. Remember the Armie Hammer #metoo scandal? That was reexamined this year through a BDSM lens. BDSM also sparked outrage on a college campus in Tennessee. And a much beloved kinky cafe in San Francisco closed. There were also a number of new books, movies, and studies about BDSM that came out this year. Read on to get the full 2023 recap.
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At its best, BDSM is a way to help partners connect, communicate their desires, and live their fantasies. It comes as no surprise, then, that some research shows that practicing BDSM is associated with greater relationship satisfaction. But what about BDSM’s effect on sex? A May 2023 study compared the sexual function of people practicing D/s and those who don’t and uncovered interesting findings—some perhaps predictable and some concerning.
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CineKink, the annual kinky film festival based in New York City, was held in person this year for the first time since before the pandemic, but we were out of town when it happened. Fortunately, they aired all the films virtually earlier this month. Here’s our review roundup of the kinky shorts from the festival in alphabetical order. We also watched a full-length BDSM feature, which we review in brief at the end.
Krush the Wrestler, a documentary, was the best short of the bunch. Good Girl was also quite enjoyable and well made. Read on to see what we thought of the rest.
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One of the most common BDSM aphorisms is that there’s “no one true way.” Yet if you search for “punishment in BDSM” online, you’ll come away with the opposite impression due to two ubiquitous assumptions. The first is that punishment is a given in every D/s dynamic, and the second is that it’s real and leads to true behavior change. Our take? Nope and nope. If, like us, you find yourself not agreeing with these two common assumptions, you’ll be hard pressed to find any BDSM resources to back you up. This is why we’re providing one!
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Sanctuary (2022), a taut psychological BDSM drama directed by Zachary Wigon, tells the story of Hal (Christopher Abbott), a wealthy hotel scion who attempts to call off his long-standing arrangement with his pro dom Rebecca (Margaret Qualley). But Rebecca isn’t willing to give him up without a fight, and emotional and physical chaos ensue.
As the latest entry into the BDSM film catalog, there’s a lot to appreciate about Sanctuary. It’s clear the filmmakers did their research and portrayed some authentic aspects of a kinky dynamic, even though it’s pushed over the top for the sake of the drama. Perhaps predictably, this is not the film to watch if you want pointers on how to conduct a healthy BDSM dynamic, but it does a number of things quite well if you view it through the lens of fantasy.
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Over time, most couple’s sex lives ebb and flow—and the same is true with BDSM. Grief, illness, and other stressful life events can and do interfere with BDSM. This was our situation recently after the death of an immediate family member followed by illness. Even though these kinds of lulls are inevitable in a long-term relationship, we didn’t want to let the BDSM spark fade completely because it helps us sustain the romance, fun, and connection in our relationship. We came up with a few ways to keep our BDSM dynamic alive when life gets in the way, which may work for you as well.
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If you’re a bottom or a sub, you may think your job in BDSM is to follow your dom’s lead. After all, you’re not the one tying people up or dishing out the punishments. But just because you’re not in charge of the scene doesn’t mean you aren’t responsible for understanding what’s happening and doing your part to ensure it goes smoothly. These BDSM safety tips will help you play more safely, stay informed, and have even more fun in your scenes.
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Once you realize you’re kinky, it’s natural to start wondering why. Were you born this way, or did something happen to spur your interest in BDSM? The nature vs. nurture debate is far from settled, but we’ve taken a look at our own paths to BDSM as well as available research to see what it can tell us.
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Originally posted on March 4, 2019; updated on May 16, 2023
As an Amazon Associate, we earn from qualifying purchases made via some of the links below
(at no additional cost to you).
From vanilla women’s magazines to online forums about kink, the first piece of advice that newbies to BDSM often get is to use a safeword. But the discussion about safewords often stops there. Let’s take a closer look at this often cited but poorly explained mainstay of BDSM.