BT Bights

Bite-sized thoughts on sex, love, and relationships.

Who Wants To Negotiate?

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Negotiation is a dialogue between two or more people or parties intended to reach a beneficial outcome over one or more issues where a conflict exists with respect to at least one of these issues.

The Wikipedia definition of negotiation

Mimsy and I have been musing about how kinksters use the word negotiation to describe the super hot “what are you into?” conversation that often precedes BDSM scenes. In my mind, negotiation feels too stiff—like we’re suggesting that we all have to give up something we want in pursuit of a good kinky time. Of course, there’s give and take in every kinky or sexy act, but I’d hardly consider agreeing to swap my belt for some bamboo rope “overcoming a conflict.”

We did a little more digging into the origin and definition of negotiation. Its roots can be traced back to business (according to etymonline.com, it literally derives from the phrase “lack of leisure”).

The dictionary definitions tend toward the softer and broader, “discussion aimed at reaching an agreement.” That’s a much more inviting way to describe getting down to business.

Survey Says . . .

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OnBuy, an Amazon competitor in the UK, recently surveyed 2,381 people over 60 to learn about their sexual proclivities. One in five respondents indicated that they had specific kinks in the bedroom, and of those 20 percent,

  • 63 percent are into BDSM,
  • 60 percent are into age play,
  • 56 percent are into being dominant and submissive,
  • 44 percent are impact play, and
  • 41 percent are into edge play.

It’s not clear why BDSM was broken out separately given that the rest of these activities fall under that umbrella. I’m also not sure how reliable survey results from an online retailer can be. But caveats aside, it’s reassuring to see some evidence that retirees are living out their kinky dreams!

Killing Eve: Season 3

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Unfortunately, the D/s themes that were so prominent in seasons 1 and 2 of Killing Eve are far more muted in season 3—except for a phenomenal scene in the third episode (spoiler alert).

In this season, Eve reluctantly gets roped back into pursuing the Twelve, the secret organization Villanelle works for as an assassin. She and Villanelle don’t cross paths until the third episode, but it’s worth the wait. Eve is minding her own business on a bus when Villanelle suddenly appears in front of her. They immediately begin fighting—slapping, screaming, and hurling each other from seat to seat. You almost wonder if this is a dream of Eve’s, but it isn’t. At one point, Villanelle pins Eve under her and they kiss right before Eve head butts her. Villanelle eventually gets off the bus, and Eve goes to work disheveled and stunned. There is no clear winner.

In some ways, this scene sets the stage for switchy power dynamics, but that thread isn’t pulled through the rest of the season consistently until the season finale. Eve and Villanelle dance together and tellingly can’t decide who’s leading. Later, they try to part ways for good, but fail, instead solidifying a romantic bond born out of a bizarre mutual understanding. Villanelle says to Eve, “I think my monster encourages your monster.” At that point, it’s not clear who has the upper hand. We’ll have to wait until season 4 to find out.

Benign Masochism

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This weekend, we attended Shay Tiziano’s virtual class “Stand Back—I’m Going to Try Science!” as part of Ropecraft’s Homebound conference. Shay is one of our BDSM heroes and loves to geek out on the science of kink.

One of the most interesting tidbits in this class was related to benign masochism. This refers to experiences that our brains perceive as negative at first, but that we come to enjoy once we realize they pose no real danger. Examples include eating spicy food, riding rollercoasters, and watching horror movies.

It may come as no surprise that many kinky people derive more pleasure out of such activities than vanilla people. Shay even did a poll in the class asking participants to rate their enjoyment of beer, unsweetened coffee, thrill rides, sad movies, massage pain, squeezing pimples, spicy food, and a few other things. At the end of the class, she showed how our results compared with the population at large, and we kinky folk liked all of these things way more. This was true for me as well, even though I don’t really consider myself to be a masochist when it comes to BDSM.

Bound Together

One couple’s insights into BDSM. About us.






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