A Guide to BDSM Brats and Brat Taming

With the end of Brat Summer and the dawn of Brat Fall, it’s high time to educate the world about brat play in BDSM. Being a brat is similar to what it sounds like, but in this guide to BDSM brats and brat taming we’ll dive into some of the nuances and complexities that other online resources often ignore. We’ll also continue the brat scene example drawn from real experiences that we started above.

Brats and Brat Tamers 

A brat, or “smart ass masochist” (SAM), is a submissive that revels in really giving a dom something to dominate. Rather than being straightforwardly obedient, a brat might deliberately provoke the dom with insolent language or by “breaking rules.” In turn, the dominant “brat tamer” revels in playing out a power fantasy of overcoming their reluctant partner.
Though some submissives identify fully as brats, occasional “bratting” scenes are common in many D/s relationships, especially when the dynamic includes disciplinarian aspects, roleplay, and consensual non-consent (CNC, a.k.a. “ravishment play”).

The Psychology Behind Brat Play

D/s play is largely about communicating your desire and observing your partner’s desire, and bratting scenes are no different in this respect. Seeing our partners command, obey, dominate, or submit is a turn-on because it strongly communicates how much you want each other. Brat scenes still tap into this core D/s fantasy but up the ante by granting the submissive the ability to resist domination rather than sticking to a more typical agreeable role. If the submissive “behaves badly” but is ultimately overcome and absolved by their dom, they see the perseverance as hot evidence of the dom’s focused desire for them. Likewise, the dom feels powerful because they’ve “earned” their sub’s submission. As one user on Reddit noted about brat play, “It’s how you weed out the weak.”

When talking to brats and the doms who love them, brats will usually define themselves as a sub wanting to be completely overcome, and the tamer will define themselves as being a dominant capable of taking a hit (to their ego or otherwise). But an unexplored aspect of brat scenes is that they can be rather switchy, especially at the beginning of scenes. As the submissive subverts the dom’s rules, insults them, or strikes back, the dominant is willingly on the receiving end of some degree of disobedience, humiliation, or masochistic sensation play. Then the dynamic eventually changes and the dom gains control of the sub. Although we haven’t seen research on this, we’ve definitely observed that brats and brat tamers have switchier tendencies than other D/s dynamics.

And because brat scenes involve the dom “forcing” the sub to submit, we’d bet that bratting and CNC go together like latex and lube. A more intense CNC scene can start with bratting, so it seems natural that couples who like CNC might like brat scenes, and vice versa.

Dynamics of a Brat Scene

Negotiation

In a brat scene, like all BDSM scenes, it’s important to negotiate clear limits in terms of what can be said and done on both sides of the slash to keep the scene moving. For instance, is the brat allowed to hit the dom? Does the dom have a special phrase or tone of voice to “force” the sub to behave? As partners are getting to know how they act in the dynamic, it’s a good idea to agree on actions and phrases that progress the scene. For example, in the sample scene above, the dom uses the phrase, “look me in the eyes,” to signal that “no” is no longer an option and it’s time to continue the scene. You can play with phrases as part of a stoplight system. Keep a word like “red” as a safeword, but try begging or using apologetic phrases like “I’m sorry, sir!” for “yellow” (asking the dom to slow down or try something different) and goading or defiant phrases, such as name calling or intentionally miscounting impacts when commanded to, for “green” (signaling the dom to keep going or escalate intensity).

Initiation

As with most BDSM scenes, a brat scene can be initiated by either the dom or the sub. But subs perhaps have greater flexibility to kickstart this type of scene because of the disobedience that’s baked into the dynamic. For instance, a brat might literally poke their dom or verbally annoy them to provoke a reaction. This often involves a particular bratty tone of voice that signals that they’d like to play. A dom might start a brat scene by declaring that the sub has committed some infraction or simply asking the sub if they’ve earned a punishment. Regardless of who initiates, an agreeable (or a negotiated but disagreeable) response means some kinky fun is about to go down.

Scene Flow

A common early challenge with a brat dynamic occurs if the brat continuously resists the dom, either physically or by saying “no” to every command. Awkwardness can ensue, and the flow of the scene can’t get started. This scenario requires a bit of negotiated roleplay, because the dom can be at risk of overstepping limits or might be at a loss for a safe and agreeable way to advance from there.

Our favorite kink educator duo, Shay and Stefanos, illustrate how roleplay is a requirement for both safety and scene flow when resistance is involved. They demonstrated this in a class by having Shay easily outmaneuver the much larger Stefanos as he attempted to safely restrain her. They did the scene again with Shay “fighting like a pornstar.” This time, rather than dashing away, she stood still and yelled, “No! Stop!” while stomping her feet, but positioned her arms willingly for Stefanos’s rope restraints. Likewise, for the flow of a brat scene, the sub will eventually have to give in to the dom, even while feigning physical or verbal resistance at the same time.

Through experience and understanding your partner’s boundaries, most couples find that more can be communicated with context and tone of voice without being explicit. A simple, “No, sir,” might become a very enthusiastic “more, please” in a long-term relationship.

Common Misconceptions

Brat dynamics, like all of BDSM, are fraught with common misconceptions, especially in online forums. Here, we correct a few of the most common ones.

1. Brat play within a negotiated dynamic is not “topping from the bottom.” As we discuss in “5 Common BSDM Myths,” if the scene is flooded with impatient expectation in either direction, it’s probably not well negotiated. As brat Brittany Simon explains in this interview with Evie Lupine, when she pushes her dom, it’s not because she’s trying to take charge; it’s because she wants to be reminded of her place.
2. Brat play and DD/lg play aren’t synonymous. There are a million ways to do BDSM, and a little resistance can spice up all kinds of dynamics. In the same video, Simon notes that a little’s version of being bratty is much more innocent and childlike than a brat’s brattiness both in tone and substance. 
3. Brat taming is not about “breaking” a sub, unless that’s a negotiated part of your play dynamic. Many online BDSM spaces are rife with players who blur the lines between fantasy and reality. Grown adults in a relationship are not truly “misbehaving” and in need of “punishment,” nor would a sexy punishment be particularly effective.
4. Similar to the above point, the “punishment/funishment” dichotomy is not a requirement of brat play (or any BDSM). In various “punishment” scenarios, you might want to achieve different kinds of goal feelings. For instance, you might want to experiment with playful and masochistic pleasure (“funishment”) in some scenes, and you might want to explore “darker” feelings of fear and absolution in other scenes. It’s popular online now to say that “funishment” is not “real punishment.” This is silly. Just have fun.

As enjoyable as brat play can be, it’s not for everyone. Some subs want to be willingly submissive and don’t understand the point of disobeying. And some doms don’t like feeling as though their authority is being undermined. As we always say, there’s no one true way to do BDSM. As long as you’re following the fundamentals of consent, negotiation, and communication, fun can take many forms. For subs and doms who like a bit more push and pull, brat play can be one of them.