Have you ever wondered if your kinks are too weird or dark? Now, thanks to the largest kink survey in the known universe, we have the data to prove they aren’t. Aella, a rationalist, sex worker, and “survey artist,” has spent years running and refining a survey of nearly 300 kinky dimensions. As of today, the Big Kink Survey (BKS) has over a million respondents and offers an unprecedented look into our collective kinky psyche. Though it offers a treasure trove of data, its greatest insight isn’t about what people are into, but rather how surprisingly common all our kinks are. Here are five key takeaways from the BKS.
1. The “Uncommon” Is Surprisingly Common
We all know most people have fantasies, but what about the really niche stuff—the kinks often labeled as paraphilias? The BKS groups interests into “common” (like toys or clothing) and “uncommon” (ageplay, genderplay, etc.). The result might surprise you: 66% of respondents are into at least one “uncommon” kink. So, if you’ve ever felt like the odd person out because of your desires, this data suggests you’re actually in the majority. The line between mainstream kink and niche paraphilia is blurrier than we think.
2. Love Is at the Heart of Kink
What’s the primary emotion people seek in their kinky fantasies? Dominance? Submission? According to the data, it’s something far more mainstream. An overwhelming 85% of people want to feel love or romance in their erotic fantasies. This was followed by eagerness or desire (84%) and safety or warmth (69%).
Almost every person with an uncommon kink (97.1%) wants to feel at least one of those three emotions. This powerfully refutes the stereotype that BDSM is about aggression or degradation and confirms what kinksters already know: The darker, more intense emotions are almost always layered on top of a foundation of love and trust.
3. Nonconsent Fantasies Are the Norm, Not the Exception
This is a big one. The BKS found that 57% of respondents prefer some element of nonconsent in their fantasies. This makes “full, enthusiastic consent” a minority preference in fantasy. This is in line with other research showing that fantasies about being overpowered or CNC are incredibly common. Despite the prevalence of such fantasies, many kinksters still feel conflicted about them. Rest assured that your CNC fantasies don’t make you a depraved weirdo.
There are many theories about why people have “rape” fantasies. We believe these fantasies are rooted in a deep-seated desire on the submissive side to feel wanted so intensely that someone “can’t help themselves,” and, on the dominant side, a desire to express that lust. It’s about feeling safe enough with a partner to fully surrender or take control.
4. Men and Women Are Into the Same Kinks, Just from Opposite Sides
The BKS reveals that men and women are drawn to the same dynamics, often at the same intensity—they just prefer different roles. This aligns with other research and shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone who’s spent time at kink events.
- In bondage scenarios, 86% of women prefer to be the one who is bound, while 67% of men prefer to be the one doing the binding.
- In humiliation scenarios, the split is nearly 50/50 for men (half prefer giving, half receiving), while 77% of women prefer to be the one who is humiliated.
- 58% of male respondents are also aroused by submission.
So, if you’re a man who’s curious about submission, you’re in good company, and if you’re a dominant woman, get a leash.
5. Your Personality Doesn’t Predict Your Kinks
Ever worry you’re “too nice” for BDSM or not adventurous enough to be truly kinky? The data says you can abandon that thought. There is almost no correlation between the Big Five personality traits (openness to experience, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, neuroticism) and kink preferences.The strongest correlation explained less than 1% of most people’s desires.
This means that your vanilla personality has no bearing on what you find erotic. The conscientious accountant, the hard-partying extrovert, and the introverted book lover could all be into the exact same things.
A Fascinating Wrinkle: Does Porn Create Kinks?
At first glance, the data seems wild: 72% of respondents said porn “induced” new fetishes. This seemingly contradicts other research where the number is closer to 16%.
But when you take a closer look, the story gets more interesting. The BKS gave nuanced answer choices, and most people chose “induced similar interests” or “variations on current interests.” The number of people who chose “induced totally different interests” was a little over 18%, which isn’t that far off from other studies.
This suggests porn isn’t creating kinks from scratch. Instead, it acts as a catalyst.
A Quick Reality Check: What This Survey Can (and Can’t) Tell Us
Before we wrap up, it’s important to note a few things about the BKS data. While this dataset is incredibly rich, it doesn’t represent the entire world. Here’s some crucial context to keep in mind:
- It maps fantasy, not behavior: The BKS focuses on arousal and desire, not what people are actually doing. This is a limitation in a lot of academic research as well. We’d love to see more studies about what people are acting on in real life vs. what they’re thinking about doing.
- Respondents skew young and female: As you might guess, the people who enthusiastically fill out a 300-question kink survey to be awarded a “kink score” at the end are a specific bunch—namely young (14–32), Western, and largely female.
- It pulls from sex-positive sources: The survey went viral in sex-positive, polyamorous, and fetish communities, which means it naturally attracted people who are already curious and open about kink. So, it isn’t necessarily representative of the general, “normie” public.
The Bottom Line
The real surprise of the BKS isn’t that it validates academic research; it’s that it validates us. It serves as a giant mirror, reflecting our own desires and confirming that what we feel in private is a shared human experience. It’s a powerful reminder that underneath all the kinks, most of us are just looking for new and exciting ways to feel connected and desired.