Basics

“Start by pulling magic out of your fingers…”

—“The Invisible Toybox: Incorporating Energy Work into BDSM,” Raven Kaldera 

If you’ve been exploring BDSM for any length of time, you’ve undoubtedly stumbled across references to BDSM energy play, sex magic, and the like. A quick online search conjures up workshops on “exploring energy play in kink,” guides on using sex magic to “manifest positive life energy,” and D/s classes on “conscious energy flow, power exchange, and feeding.”  But what does any of this mean? In this post, we’ll translate these mystical concepts into plain facts.

About 10 years ago, I became single after a very long relationship and decided it was time to explore my kinky interests in the New York City BDSM scene. As a very introverted 30-something single man, I knew it wouldn’t be easy for me. I was aware that more straight men than women often attend BDSM events, and I had very little experience with BDSM. I wasn’t even sure exactly what I was interested in. I was curious about domination but also enjoyed certain types of “masochism.” Where to begin? 

For my first solo mission, I decided to go to a “munch,” an informal plainclothes hangout of kinky people. I came up with a strategy that led me to a series of kinky successes and might work for you, too.

We recently attended a virtual class on sub and top drop—a feeling of depression that can occur after BDSM scenes—and how to deal with it when it happens. The instructor made it sound as if drop is an inevitable byproduct of great BDSM scenes. This struck us as odd, considering we’ve done hundreds of scenes and have never once experienced drop! This led us to wonder what drop really is, what causes it, and how it can be avoided. We address these questions and more in this post.

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In a previous post about BDSM myths, we tackled common misconceptions that newcomers to BDSM often have, such as “pain is intrinsic to BDSM” and “real D/s dynamics are 24/7.” This time, we’re going to address several BDSM myths that are prevalent within the BDSM community and tend to spur debate when they come up.

As we speed toward 2024, we thought it would be fun to end the year with a roundup of some of the best and weirdest BDSM highlights of 2023. Remember the Armie Hammer #metoo scandal? That was reexamined this year through a BDSM lens. BDSM also sparked outrage on a college campus in Tennessee. And a much beloved kinky cafe in San Francisco closed. There were also a number of new books, movies, and studies about BDSM that came out this year. Read on to get the full 2023 recap.

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One of the most common BDSM aphorisms is that there’s “no one true way.” Yet if you search for “punishment in BDSM” online, you’ll come away with the opposite impression due to two ubiquitous assumptions. The first is that punishment is a given in every D/s dynamic, and the second is that it’s real and leads to true behavior change. Our take? Nope and nope. If, like us, you find yourself not agreeing with these two common assumptions, you’ll be hard pressed to find any BDSM resources to back you up. This is why we’re providing one!