In the early days of Mimsy’s kink exploration, she hooked up with a guy who slapped her across the face during sex. It was utterly surprising and thrilling and remains etched in her memory to this day. The catch? It wasn’t negotiated in advance. Of course, this goes against every bit of BDSM conventional wisdom: Communicate clearly, negotiate before a scene, get explicit permission. But what about things you don’t know you want and therefore wouldn’t consent to in advance—BDSM surprises that only work because they catch you off guard? This is where the concept of erotic astonishment comes in.
What Is Erotic Astonishment?
The phrase “erotic astonishment” was most likely coined by Tim Dean in his brilliant 2015 essay “The Art of Piss,” which, as the title suggests, is about the experience and psychology of piss play. In it, he describes going to a gay men’s club seeking piss play as a top, not a bottom. However, while there, he ends up blowing a man and before Dean knows it, the man is peeing in his mouth. “I did not consent—and would not have consented—to being pissed on; yet I loved it,” he writes. “That night the man in the leather cap, whose face I never saw, gave me the gift of erotic astonishment.”
Dean doesn’t define erotic astonishment in the essay, but his description of his experience combined with later academic work by the psychoanalyst Avgi Saketopoulou gives us a working definition: the idea that something can happen without your conscious consent but still be deeply aligned with your unconscious desire. Erotic astonishment isn’t mere surprise or delight; it’s transformative surprise that happens without explicit consent. In Dean’s case, his experience opened up a new part of his sexuality that he couldn’t have imagined before that. Similarly, when Mimsy was slapped, she realized she was turned on not only by that specific physical act but the element of surprise in general.
While erotic astonishment most commonly happens to bottoms/subs—since they’re the ones surrendering control—doms can experience it too. Sometimes this involves a role reversal, like Tim Dean’s encounter where he bottomed for the first time. But it doesn’t require switching roles entirely. A submissive might “astonish” their dom by breaking an established dynamic with unexpected physical resistance, bratty insults, disobedience, or apathy—any of which could ignite a latent kink in the dom.
Why People Enjoy Erotic Astonishment
Everyday life—work, school, family obligations, etc.—involves abiding by various rules and managing ourselves and others. Sex provides an opportunity to temporarily dissolve those real-world structures, which creates space for new experiences that can, in turn, lead to new understandings of ourselves. This is part of what makes BDSM psychology so fascinating—our deepest desires aren’t always conscious or predictable.
For subs, the appeal of erotic astonishment lies in giving up control in an overarching way. You put your faith in your dom to know what you’ll like before you know it yourself. For doms, this is the ultimate form of control. It’s not just about doing what you, as a top, want; it’s about intuiting what your partner wants. When you surprise them sexually in a new way and they respond positively, you’ve accessed a desire in them that they wouldn’t have been able to articulate beforehand.
For both subs and doms, it can be boring to constantly negotiate every activity before it happens rather than taking calibrated risks that pay off. But how can you do this in a way that doesn’t violate the foundational principles of BDSM—communication, negotiation, and consent?
How Erotic Astonishment Builds on BDSM Principles
BDSM rules of engagement exist for good reason—they’re the foundation of ethical consent in kink and help ensure that what we do isn’t abuse. Although it may seem like erotic astonishment flies in the face of the core tenets of BDSM, it is informed by them—just in a less direct way. For example, with Mimsy’s slap, she did consent to the hookup and had texted with the guy quite a bit in advance, which enabled him to glean what she might like. In Tim Dean’s story, he consented to being in a gay bar on a night that was specifically about piss play. This kind of “meta-consent” isn’t the same as an itemized negotiation, but it is a form of communication.
Additionally, in Mimsy’s case, her partner did a quick verbal “yes or no?” check-in immediately after the slap (“yes!”), at which point she could have opted out. Similarly, even though there was no verbal check-in in Dean’s situation, he wasn’t being forced to do anything and could have extricated himself as soon as he realized the guy was peeing in his mouth.
There’s no question, though, that this form of play does involve more risk than highly negotiated interactions. It presumes a level of intuition and care on the part of the dom and trust on both sides that not everyone is willing to bet on. And things can go sideways quickly if those presumptions don’t hold up.
So, how do we embrace both safety and possibility? How do we prevent harm while leaving room for transformation? To answer that, it helps to understand that there are two different types of consent, and erotic astonishment aligns with the second kind.
Two Types of Consent
Affirmative consent is the standard consent model that most BDSM players are familiar with—“yes” means “yes.” It involves clear communication and negotiation before scenes and explicit boundaries. But this assumes you know what you want and that you can predict how you’ll respond. The goal is to avoid bad experiences, not necessarily create transcendent ones, which can keep you tethered to the realm of the familiar.
Consenting to the unknown, on the other hand, is not about rigidly setting BDSM boundaries but about giving permission to explore and even transgress them. This approach to BDSM surprise requires a different type of trust than affirmative consent. It’s about giving someone permission to explore your limits and even push past them. This type of consent aligns well with the concept of a risk profile—a “set of parameters that defines the end results in one’s life that—should they occur—would cost more than the opportunity play provides.” In other words, as the guest author of our risk profile post notes, if someone is dependent on their hands to make a living, activities that risk damaging their hands are off the table.
Note that consenting to the unknown or using a risk profile is not a justification for ignoring safewords. It’s about creating the opportunity to explore the space between “I think I want this” and “this is too much.” Make no mistake—this is advanced BDSM that pushes the boundaries of consent. It’s a type of edge play and requires being risk aware.
When Erotic Astonishment Becomes Violation
Edge play consent is particularly tricky because you’re operating at the boundaries of what’s negotiated. Erotic astonishment requires the dom to be genuinely attuned to their partner’s core desires, body language, and reactions and to respond accordingly. A dom must genuinely care about the sub’s experience, not just their own desire to dominate. With Mimsy’s slap experience, the dom checked in immediately afterward to gauge how it landed. Her enthusiastic response told him what he needed to know to safely continue. In contrast, if a dom does the following things, it could be a sign of a violation:
- The dom does what they want regardless of opposing signals from the sub and uses erotic astonishment as justification.
- They don’t notice or care when the sub freezes, tenses up, or goes quiet.
- They continue escalating even when the sub’s body language says otherwise.
- They ignore safewords.
- Afterward, they claim the sub was overwhelmed in a good way when they were actually traumatized.
- The dom becomes defensive when confronted or makes the sub feel bad for not enjoying the surprise.
- “I was just being spontaneous!”
- “You’re too sensitive/vanilla.”
- “You seemed into it at the time.”
- “A real sub wouldn’t have an issue with this.”
- There was no foundation of meta-consent.
- There was no discussion of dynamics or interests (doesn’t need to be a full-blown negotiation—even sexting can establish baseline knowledge).
- The dom surprises the sub in a context where there was no reason to expect it (i.e., if Dean’s experience had happened at, say, a vanilla dinner party instead of a gay club on piss play night, he most likely would not have welcomed it).
If you realize you’ve been on the receiving end of a violation rather than erotic astonishment, seek support. And if you’re a dom who realizes you misread someone and caused harm—own it. Apologize sincerely, don’t make excuses, and make an effort to understand what went wrong.
How to Navigate Erotic Astonishment
Given the risks (and potential rewards!) of erotic astonishment, what’s the best way to approach it? Despite the success stories with relative strangers that we’ve cited in this post, we recommend trying this in a relationship because it’s easier to do if you already have a strong foundation of trust. A couple of years into our relationship, Vagabond spit on Mimsy during sex, which was a surprise because we’d never specifically talked about spitting before. But at that point, Vagabond knew enough about Mimsy’s likes and dislikes to be able to take this calculated risk—and it paid off! She thought it was hot, and she discovered a new way she liked to be dominated.
Here are some things to keep in mind if you want to explore consenting to the unknown:
- Start with a foundation of trust.
- Have conversations about the concept, even if not the specifics. Is this something you’re both interested in?
- For subs, tell your dom you want them to surprise you and push your boundaries (up to whatever hard limits you establish).
- For doms, read your sub’s signals. Push when you sense openness, arousal, and engagement. Hold back when you sense fear, dissociation, or genuine distress.
- Check in afterward, not just immediately but also later. Erotic astonishment can be intense. What felt amazing in the moment might bring up complicated feelings hours or days later. Make space to talk about what happened and how you both feel about it.
Ultimately, consenting to the unknown is a leap of faith that, if done right, can lead to erotic astonishment that unlocks new understandings of your own or your partner’s sexuality.