Posts

In Dominance, How-To Guides, Submission

October 31, 2024

8 Min Read

Scene from The Breakfast Club of a group of teens sitting in a row sullenly. — A pack of brats.

“This rule is ridiculous,” the brat said, rolling their eyes. “And I’d break it again.”

The dom didn’t disagree. “You told me you want me to hold you accountable, and that’s what I intend to do.”

“Make me!”

With the end of Brat Summer and the dawn of Brat Fall, it’s high time to educate the world about brat play in BDSM. Being a brat is similar to what it sounds like, but in this guide to BDSM brats and brat taming we’ll dive into some of the nuances and complexities that other online resources often ignore. We’ll also continue the brat scene example drawn from real experiences that we started above.

What’s the Deal with BDSM Energy Play and Sex Magic?

In Basics

September 26, 2024

5 Min Read

Cupped palms against a mystical, New Age purple background suggestive of swirling energy.

“Start by pulling magic out of your fingers…”
—“The Invisible Toybox: Incorporating Energy Work into BDSM,” Raven Kaldera

If you’ve been exploring BDSM for any length of time, you’ve undoubtedly stumbled across references to BDSM energy play, sex magic, and the like. A quick online search conjures up workshops on “exploring energy play in kink,” guides on using sex magic to “manifest positive life energy,” and D/s classes on “conscious energy flow, power exchange, and feeding.” But what does any of this mean? In this post, we’ll translate these mystical concepts into plain facts.

How to Find a Long-Term, Monogamous BDSM Relationship

In Basics, How-To Guides

August 29, 2024

7 Min Read

Woman looking at cell phone with disgusted expression on her face

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“How do you find a long-term partner who is into kink?”; “Having a hard time dating/finding a partner”; “Are respectful, long-term relationships likely or even possible between a dom and a sub?” These are just a few of the many posts on BDSM forums from people who are struggling to find a long-term, monogamous BDSM relationship.

Estimates vary, but according to some studies, nearly 35 percent of adults have engaged in BDSM, and over half have fantasized about it. Further, the vast majority of adults are monogamous. Given these stats, why does it seem to be so difficult for monogamous kinksters to find long-term relationships? One possible reason is that they’re looking in the wrong places.

Tips for Entering the BDSM Scene as a Single Man

By Vagabond

In Basics

July 31, 2024

9 Min Read

About 10 years ago, I became single after a very long relationship and decided it was time to explore my kinky interests in the New York City BDSM scene. As a very introverted 30-something single man, I knew it wouldn’t be easy for me. I was aware that more straight men than women often attend BDSM events, and I had very little experience with BDSM. I wasn’t even sure exactly what I was interested in. I was curious about domination but also enjoyed certain types of “masochism.” Where to begin?

For my first solo mission, I decided to go to a “munch,” an informal plainclothes hangout of kinky people. I came up with a strategy that led me to a series of kinky successes and might work for you, too.

Movie Review and Recap: The Feeling That the Time for Doing Something Has Passed

In Entertainment

June 27, 2024

6 Min Read

A woman kneeling, naked, in front of a clothed man sitting on a chair — Joanna Arnow and Scott Cohen in *The Feeling That the Time for Doing Something Has Passed,* a Magnolia Pictures release. Photo courtesy of Magnolia Pictures.

The Feeling That the Time for Doing Something Has Passed (2024) is billed as a “hilarious comedy” that follows a NYC woman’s kinky—and vanilla—dating misadventures as she simultaneously navigates her boring corporate job and overbearing parents.

The director and star, Joanna Arnow, clearly understands that BDSM can be just as mundane and funny as any other facet of a person’s life. But by the end, the overall message seems to be considerably gloomier, namely that a long-term serious relationship and BDSM are fundamentally incompatible.

Research Recap: Is Communication the Key to Good BDSM?

In Communication, Research

May 30, 2024

4 Min Read

An open red zipper in the shape of lips talking

As anyone in the BDSM community knows, communication is touted as essential to good BDSM. Aside from consent, there is perhaps nothing that kinksters value more. And now science is acknowledging the benefits of communication in BDSM. An April 2024 study by Anabel Carty and Adam Davidson confirms that communication is in fact directly responsible for sexual satisfaction among BDSM participants. Here’s what you need to know about the study.

What Is Sub/Dom Drop in BDSM and Can It Be Avoided?

In Basics

April 25, 2024

6 Min Read

Man and woman lying face to face in bed.

We recently attended a virtual class on sub and top drop—a feeling of depression that can occur after BDSM scenes—and how to deal with it when it happens. The instructor made it sound as if drop is an inevitable byproduct of great BDSM scenes. This struck us as odd, considering we’ve done hundreds of scenes and have never once experienced drop! This led us to wonder what drop really is, what causes it, and how it can be avoided. We address these questions and more in this post.

5 Common BDSM MYTHS

In Basics

March 28, 2024

7 Min Read

Image depicting the idea of a BDSM myth: the Loch Ness monster wearing a spiked collar

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In a previous post about BDSM myths, we tackled common misconceptions that newcomers to BDSM often have, such as “pain is intrinsic to BDSM” and “real D/s dynamics are 24/7.” This time, we’re going to address several BDSM myths that are prevalent within the BDSM community and tend to spur debate when they come up.

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A Guide to BDSM Bondage without Rope

In Basics, How-To Guides

February 29, 2024

6 Min Read

Woman's arms in leather cuffs with connecting chain between them

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Rope bondage can be beautiful and rewarding, but it can also be time consuming if you want to do anything more complex than basic ties. It requires a level of patience on the part of the top and the bottom that not everyone has, and even if you’re very familiar with rope, you might want to add another dimension to your bondage. And sometimes you just want to cut to the chase! Fortunately, there are quite a few alternatives to rope that are just as effective and fun for bondage.

6 Questions to Ask Before and After a BDSM Scene

In Basics, Communication

January 25, 2024

6 Min Read

Open handcuffs with the text "wanna play?" written in the middle

Beginner BDSM guides often make it seem like filling out extensive negotiation checklists and spreadsheets before playing is an essential step. But do you really need to catalog everything you plan to do in granular detail each and every time you decide to do a scene with someone? Probably not. In this post, we’ll break down the essential questions you need to consider for BDSM scenes whether you’re playing with someone new or a longtime partner.