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One of the most common BDSM aphorisms is that there’s “no one true way.” Yet if you search for “punishment in BDSM” online, you’ll come away with the opposite impression due to two ubiquitous assumptions. The first is that punishment is a given in every D/s dynamic, and the second is that it’s real and leads to true behavior change. Our take? Nope and nope. If, like us, you find yourself not agreeing with these two common assumptions, you’ll be hard pressed to find any BDSM resources to back you up. This is why we’re providing one!
What Is Punishment and Who Uses It?
According to the BDSM wiki, punishment is “the infliction or imposition of a penalty/consequence as retribution for an offense.” There, as in most BDSM resources, punishment is seen as distinct from so-called “funishment,” where “the penalty or consequence applied is done so in a lighthearted and flirtatious manner, generally as part of a play scene that may involve bratting, rather than in a corrective manner to maintain a relationship structure.” Put another way, punishment is corrective and not desired or erotic, while funishment is playful, desired, and erotic. Many BDSM educators—even ones we generally agree with—enforce this distinction and tend to frown on people who conflate the two terms.
There’s no data on how common the use of purported punishment is in BDSM, but it’s a myth that D/s dynamics require it. Though it can be exciting to have a “serious” disciplinarian scene with “real” punishment, using it isn’t a test of D/s legitimacy. We suspect that, contrary to the popular messaging of the IRL and online BDSM communities, it’s impractical for most kinksters. Some people don’t like the negative feelings associated with punishment; others simply aren’t interested and don’t find it to be constructive.
Is Punishment Real?
Jay Wiseman notes in his classic guide SM 101 that punishment should in no way involve impact play or other activities that are commonly part of play time because those should have a positive association. He says punishment should be something else entirely, like withdrawal, that is seen as negative. Many BDSM educators echo this approach, the idea being that punishment should truly correct the sub’s behavior, and this can only happen if it’s not mistaken for funishment.
The implication is that punishment is “real,” while funishment is not. But in reality, punishment is still part of an overarching scene that has been fully negotiated and agreed to. So even if the sub doesn’t find the so-called punishment sexually exciting or fun, it can still be cathartic or emotionally fulfilling in some way. If they truly don’t want it and haven’t agreed to it, then it would be abuse and by definition outside the bounds of BDSM. Put simply, even though punishment in BDSM may look different from funishment to the people who use it, it’s merely a different type of scene.
An extremely common BDSM fantasy is CNC which, like the common depiction of “punishment,” usually involves acting “against the sub’s wishes”—in this case to ravish them in a way that’s negotiated to be less playful than other types of scenes. It’s logically inconsistent that the public and online BDSM worlds are careful to clarify that CNC is role-play while insisting that punishment is somehow uniquely real. In actuality, both things work only if they’re consensually negotiated BDSM play that is pleasurable or otherwise satisfying for all participants.
Does Punishment Work?
There is a persistent belief in the BDSM community among those who use punishment that it results in behavior modification. For instance, on the popular website Dom Sub Living, the sub states that “the main goal of punishments for your sub is so they will learn from it.” She then goes on to say that for softer punishments, her dom makes her remove her underwear all day or wear ben-wa balls. But she fails to mention that—in opposition to Wiseman’s advice—these things almost certainly turn her on! For “major offenses,” her dom has spanked her so hard she’s bawled. This has happened “quite a few times” which pretty much proves the point that this kind of “punishment” doesn’t change behavior. It’s part of an elaborate role-play, which is what BDSM is.
Studies haven’t been conducted to see if punishment results in behavior change in a BDSM context, but similar studies have been done regarding punishment in the criminal justice system. In their book The Psychology of Criminal Conduct (6th edition), authors James Bonta and D. A. Andrews devote an entire chapter to the problems with punishment as a deterrent. They note that “tough on crime” policies have had no effect on recidivism. And even in cases where the maximum penalty for an offense is given right away, many people still continue engaging in illegal behavior. More broadly, punishment inhibits bad behavior but does not teach new behavior. Even when sanctions are used to punish bad behavior, it’s widely acknowledged that positive incentives have a greater impact on long-term behavior change—a ratio of 4:1 incentives to sanctions is considered ideal.
Similarly, studies have shown that while punishing children may result in some level of change, positive reinforcement is much more effective. Further, rather than correcting bad behavior, punishment is more likely to make the child focus on not getting caught.
Then What Is the Point of Punishment in BDSM?
In the context of BDSM, some adults who have chosen to be in a D/s dynamic use punishment for sexual or emotional fulfillment. In other words, misbehaving and getting punished is baked into the structure of the dynamic. Outside of certain fetishistic disciplinarian relationships with (pleasurable) routine punishments, if most subs were to behave perfectly all the time, no punishment would ever be required. This would presumably be disappointing to both the dom and the sub. Therefore, it’s rather disingenuous to frame punishment in BDSM as a means to true behavior modification when that isn’t even the desired goal of the people involved.
In the end, the alleged distinctions between punishment and funishment are largely meaningless because it’s all a form of role-play. Punishment can be fulfilling for any number of reasons (sexual, emotional, etc.), and that should be enough to justify its use in BDSM. There’s no reason to pretend that it’s a serious corrective tool that’s going to permanently change someone’s behavior.