Passionate romance, deep intimacy, erogenous zones, eye contact. This is not a list of ingredients in PG-13 sex scenes. These have all been claimed as “kinks” by people discussing sex online, along with bondage, pet play, D/s, and anything else that typically falls under the BDSM umbrella. If everything and everyone is kinky, what does the word even mean? Is it beneficial for the definitions of kink and BDSM to keep expanding? We’ll explore these questions and more in this post, starting with where these words came from and how we got here.
The Origins of “BDSM” and “Kink”
We have written evidence of BDSM behaviors for several millennia, but the words used to describe them have changed over time. In the late 1800s, the Austro-German psychiatrist Richard von Krafft-Ebing introduced the terms sadism and masochism in his clinical book Psychopathia Sexualis. He borrowed the 1830s French sadisme, named after the Marquis de Sade’s (woefully devoid of RACK) novels, and coined masochist from the author of Venus in Furs, Chevalier Leopold von Sacher-Masoch. These terms were eventually combined into the portmanteau sadomasochism and abbreviated as S&M or, more commonly in the BSDM community, SM or S/M. Back then, SM covered much of what we think of as BDSM today, including power, submission, humiliation, and other fantasy wrapped in lust.
SM stuck around for decades until B&D (bondage & discipline) came along by the 1970s, and eventually the four letters were combined on the early internet. Although it took some time to gain traction and get the letters in the right order, BDSM caught on in the community because it encompassed more of The Thing We Do by including the middle of BDSM—DS—to denote dominance and submission.
Concurrently, kinky evolved from a literal “bend in a rope” starting in the late 1950s and remains popular today, providing us with a much broader term for being sexually unconventional. While BDSM and kink can be synonymous (like they are in our blog posts), kink has also come to mean almost any sexual preference.
The Benefits of a Big Tent for BDSM
These linguistic changes coincided with greater awareness of BDSM and a lower bar for entry, so to speak. Before the internet, kinksters really needed to know where to look to learn about BDSM and meet like-minded people. But with the advent of online chatrooms in the 1990s, followed by FetLife in 2008, plus a slew of educational resources, BDSM became more accessible. Then, a few years later, the 50 Shades of Grey books and movies hit the market and piqued a lot of people’s curiosity about BDSM, for better or worse.
Broadening the terminology and creating a bigger tent meant more people were aware of BDSM, which reduced stigma and lowered barriers to exploration. It was easier for people to find information and figure out whether BDSM was something they were interested in. We both fall into this bucket. Mimsy especially relied on online research about BDSM in the beginning to figure out what she did and did not want to pursue in person. If she had had to make her way to a dungeon via the back pages of a magazine, it’s unlikely she ever would have done so.
So, the big tent has made BDSM more accessible and less exclusive, which seems like a win. But once you’re in, you need to be able to communicate effectively, and for that, you need a shared language.
The Need for Meaningful BDSM Definitions
While generic descriptors like kinky have their place, such as in a dating profile where you don’t want to reveal too much up front, effective communication and negotiation require more specificity. If kinky means anything from eye contact to edge play, it makes it difficult to find where you fit in and express your desires.
As it happens, Vagabond described himself as “kinky” in his dating profile when we met, but it served as a conversation starter, not a foregone conclusion that we were into the same things. Assuming that without further discussion could have led to some very awkward dates! Fortunately, we had the language to determine we were into D/s and on the correct sides of the slash before we even met.
Similarly, if someone has an inkling that they might be “kinky” and searches for kinky sex online, they’re going to find everything from having sex in front of a mirror to using a vibrator to doing rope bondage. This “everything in the kitchen sink” approach ends up being confusing rather than illuminating.
These examples highlight why it’s important to maintain some meaningful distinctions in BDSM language and stop expanding definitions unnecessarily. While this may sound a little like gatekeeping, establishing and maintaining definitions isn’t exclusionary. It helps add specificity and clarity where it’s needed.
Why BDSM Terminology Matters
While the words we use help us find partners and information, it’s also foundational to the three pillars of BDSM: consent, communication, and negotiation.
To truly consent to anything in BDSM, you need to know what you’re agreeing to. Saying yes to “kink” is so vague it’s meaningless. Saying yes to “BDSM” isn’t much clearer. Saying yes to “dominance and submission” can at least lead to some pointed questions.
Communication falters without a shared vocabulary. When Vagabond once asked a self-professed kinky woman what she was into, she responded with “the usual” without elaborating. What followed was a very boring evening since he had nothing to build on. While vagueness may seem like it leaves open the door to possibility, it actually does the opposite.
Finally, negotiation requires self-awareness and shared definitions, not vague euphemisms. A perfect example of this is “rough sex.” As we’ve written about in another post, the distinction between this and BDSM often boils down to self-awareness and intent. Dispensing with the euphemisms and calling BDSM behaviors what they are might encourage people to educate themselves and properly negotiate a scene.
We’re not opposed to a big BDSM tent—after all, we’re beneficiaries of it—and this blog is for everyone on the kinky spectrum, regardless of the words they use to describe what they like. But big tents still need some linguistic poles to hold them up. Clear, specific language helps provide this structure, creating a space that’s easier and safer to navigate for everyone inside.