About 10 years ago, I became single after a very long relationship and decided it was time to explore my kinky interests in the New York City BDSM scene. As a very introverted 30-something single man, I knew it wouldn’t be easy for me. I was aware that more straight men than women often attend BDSM events, and I had very little experience with BDSM. I wasn’t even sure exactly what I was interested in. I was curious about domination but also enjoyed certain types of “masochism.” Where to begin?
For my first solo mission, I decided to go to a “munch,” an informal plainclothes hangout of kinky people. I came up with a strategy that led me to a series of kinky successes and might work for you, too.
Have High Expectations—But Not the Ones You Think
I learned from a few BDSM books and blogs not to assume I was going to play with or meet my dream partners during my first night out. Doing so would only set myself up for disappointment. Instead, my goal was to get to know a few people and learn a little about what I was interested in. Thinking of my first foray as a scouting mission meant that I didn’t have any romance-related stress, which kept my social anxiety to a minimum.
I RSVPed on Fetlife to attend a munch at a diner in the early evening, which would be followed by a trip to a nearby dungeon. I anxiously dug through my clothes to pick the perfect outfit for the event, but ended up dressing casually in perhaps the easiest choice: a nice black t-shirt and black jeans. Wracked with anxiety and excitement, I checked the Fetlife event page for the time and venue details about 47 times, read some attendee bios, paced a bit, and checked the weather forecast.
Talk to Everyone About Everything (Except Sex)
I entered the diner a few minutes late and saw a long table of about 20 casually dressed people of every background and body type, mostly over 40 except for a few younger men and one younger woman. My anxiety started to wane as I realized there were no real stakes except to make a friend or two. I was no doubt awkward, but munches are designed to provide a low-stress and fun way to connect with friends and strangers, so I resolved to at least greet everyone and ask casual questions.
“DSF?” I mumbled the name of the organizing group to no one in particular. Some older veterans gestured to me to sit next to them, including Eve, who identified as a submissive, and her dominant husband. They were very welcoming and introduced me to other regulars at the table. Most people were dressed in darker colors with a bit more leather, metal spikes, and piercings than a typical casual get-together at a diner. Almost everyone was friendly and outgoing, including the one younger woman, who wore a collar and a lacy outfit. I asked where everyone was from and learned that people travel quite a ways to find good BDSM events. There was a little chitchat about what people were “into,” but I avoided pressing on sexual topics in public. I asked about the various parties and classes I could attend to learn more instead.
Some of the younger men, most of whom came in late and were clustered at the ends of the table, didn’t seem to get as much out of the event, as they really only spent time competing for the attention of the conventionally attractive women. This clearly came off as unpleasant and awkward. I had read that women tend to get a lot of potentially unwanted attention and are on high alert for that kind of thing. So I did my best to simply mind my manners and treat everyone, regardless of perceived BDSM role or gender, with respect as an equal.
After some nice conversation, we all paid our separate checks and walked to the nearby dungeon. The woman in the lacy outfit had a beehive of dudes orbiting her on the street. It started to drizzle.
“Oh well, my outfit is fucked,” she said matter-of-factly.
“Nadine, right?” I may not have been the most experienced man in the scene, but I was the only one who had an umbrella. “Want to share?”
Be Curious and Open to Experiences
Most of the group from the munch, besides a few of the hornily unfriendly men, arrived together at the Chelsea dungeon. Nadine donned a flogger with a black and teal handle, attaching it to her belt as we entered. I learned she was poly and, occasional topping aside, was an experienced submissive interested in a wide range of kinks (including hook suspension, which I most certainly was not interested in).
The dungeon was hosting an informal masquerade event, and everyone was handed cheap plastic carnival eye masks of many crappy shapes and sizes. They made a nice icebreaker, but weren’t so great for helping me remember faces and names. A woman in red latex who worked there gave us a breathlessly enthusiastic tour of the space, which featured St. Andrew’s crosses, rope suspension points, impact/spanking benches, and a little gear shop with colorful implements near the dry bar.
Jay, a man wearing a white dress shirt and suspenders, was describing the safe use of a violet wand while gently electrocuting a woman Nadine recognized on a massage table. I had tinkered with an ionizer and a TENS unit before and was curious about trying the wand. When the scene finished, Nadine introduced me to the demo bottom, Jen.
“That looked medieval, like something out of a Renaissance faire,” I said. “Funny. You know, my boyfriend and I are very into the Renaissance faire,” she replied. I suppose I should have guessed there was some crossover between BDSM and Ren faires before putting my foot in my mouth.
We all chatted a bit, and I explained I was a boring straight guy interested in exploring the scene. I asked Jen what she thought of the violet wand, and she said she loved it and recommended that I give it a try. I thought it was a fantastic time to learn not only what it feels like, but how to use one from a traveling expert. I volunteered for the next electric play demo with Jay and stripped to my underwear.
Rather than swinging the violet wand around like a lightsaber, as I may have imagined prior to that night, Jay placed the wand under my back on the massage table, electrifying my body so that any other conductive object, including cutlery, glass-blown objects with various points and bulbs, and even a feather with a copper spine, shocked me. It was an interesting experience, and I liked that the wand could make any sensation from a delicate buzz to a sharp shock with the press of a floor pedal.
“One thing I love about these parties is that people aren’t so obsessed with sexual identity,” Jen said. She was referring to the fact that I had just technically bottomed in a scene to another man. It hadn’t occurred to me that this might sound “queer” to the outside world, nor did I care. I enjoyed some of the sensations but saw it mostly as an educational experience. After all, it’s unlikely anyone will learn every BDSM skill from an expert who is also the object of their desire.
Don’t Be a Creep
As the night progressed, more people arrived and a scene was going on in nearly every corner of the dungeon. Along with the crowds, several single older men in business suits started to show up, mostly gawking rather than participating. Jen, Nadine, and I noticed a young woman being awkwardly pursued by a dude in a red tie, who she was obviously trying to ditch.
“Hey! We were looking for you! Let’s go,” Nadine lied to the woman, whom she didn’t know. Our newest party member, Anne, thanked Nadine for giving her an easy out and joined us.
It occurred to me that the creepy dude, along with Nadine’s pursuers earlier that night, weren’t using a particularly effective strategy if their goal was to make long-term connections with people in this world—or in any social situation for that matter. Research shows the easiest way to be “lucky” is by increasing opportunities to meet friends, talented experts, and romantic partners, not driving people away with annoying behavior.
Nadine, Jen, Anne, and I spent the rest of our time at the party together. We watched Anne get suspended by an experienced rigger, a stunning (yet somewhat smelly) fire play scene performed by an expert, a couple who performed a dramatic single-tail scene, and dozens of other impact scenes. We chatted with the shopkeeper, who had demo floggers of many different lengths and materials for us to whack each other with, from barely softer than cloth to stiff, heavy rubber. The four of us casually traded blows with the various “stingy” and “thuddy” materials. We spent the rest of the evening experimenting with impact toys, talking, laughing, and chatting with people about their scenes and skills. It was a fun night and an excellent first trip to a dungeon.
Bide Your Time
Because of my introversion, I think it was especially helpful for me not to be determined to “score” an erotic scene or a date on my first trip out. This is good advice, especially for single men, in any social situation. I’m certainly not suggesting you should avoid flirting or asking someone out that you have chemistry with, but if your focus is on learning and building relationships, good things will certainly come.
On subsequent trips to BDSM parties, I’d often run into people I met that night to spend time with, learn from, and play with. One night, I ran into Nadine, and she gave me a stingy back massage with her teal flogger, knocking me into a warm subspace bubble. I returned the favor and we enjoyed several other other intimate moments.
Admittedly, my introversion got the better of me on some nights and I’d end up a wallflower, but other times gave me the opportunity to learn a new skill, meet a new play partner, and eventually start a long-term relationship.
It can be intimidating to enter the BDSM scene, especially as a single guy, but with a curious mind and the smallest bit of outgoingness, you won’t be a newbie for long. Also, don’t forget to double-check the weather forecast.