If you’ve spent more than a few minutes researching BDSM, you know that negotiation, or the process of deciding what will and will not happen in a scene, is one of the cornerstones. Much has been written about how to negotiate before a scene with a new play partner. Tools, from worksheets to checklists to illustrated guides, abound to help you cover all the bases and inspire you to dream up new fantasies. Here’s how to take those negotiation skills and weave them into the fabric of your relationship. (more…)
“I am a Dom (switch) and my sub has requested that I drug them and play with/use/have sex with them while they are asleep or near-asleep, in a drugged state. I’m wary . . . but I’d definitely try it if there was a guaranteed safe way of
doing this. . .” —Reddit
Early in our BDSM journeys, we both strongly connected with the popular mantra of practicing Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC) kink. We interpreted this abbreviation to mean that BDSM has an advantage over vanilla sex because of the deliberate acknowledgment of safety between partners. (more…)
When I first started getting in touch with my kinky side, I became obsessed with consensual nonconsent (CNC)—also known as rape or ravishment fantasies—as a way to lose control. By obsessed I mean I thought about it daily, researched it constantly, and knew it was something I needed to do. I started reading Casual Encounters on Craigslist regularly (back when that section still existed) to see what my options might be. Ultimately I was too scared to go that route, though, and it wasn’t until I met Vagabond that I was able to make my dream come true. (more…)
So, you identify as a top or a bottom, a dominant or a submissive, or really any kind of kinkster. Now what? Contrary to popular belief, the qualities that make a good top/dominant or a good bottom/submissive are more alike than different. (more…)
“I trust that you will say ‘yellow’ or ‘red’ if things start to get too intense. You are so safe with me. I’m going to take such good care of you.” And then she smacked me so fucking hard in the face that I thought I would die.
—My journal, May 11, 2012
Mimsy: On our first date, you mentioned the importance of having a “shared language” to talk about BDSM. Although I had some experience doing kinky things and had researched terminology, I didn’t quite grasp what you were getting at until later—namely that a shared language helps provide a framework for play and ensures that everyone who’s involved understands how negotiation should work.